Please Save Me Lord

 "Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him." (1 Chronicles 16:11 NLT)

I am swimming around in the all too familiar sea of depression yet again. I feel like I have been swallowed up by the darkness within me and the fact that I am still breathing is either a miracle or a cruel trick. I do not want to participate in life today. I thought I started the week off relatively well; wrote on here, started Weight Watchers, attended my drug and alcohol counselling. But as the week has gone on, no matter how many spliffs I smoke, sedatives I take or sunshine I sit it, I can not rid myself of the feeling that I am drowning in a sea of bitter pain and overwhelming frustration. Added to this, I seem to feel ill all the time. I am tired, irritable, lacking hope and worst of all I feel I am moving away from the closeness of God. I feel like I do not deserve His love, His patience, His support, when I am still unsuccessfully trying to sedate myself from the world around me and haven't attended a prayer gathering/worship night in weeks. Slowly but surely, I can feel myself slipping back into the shell from whence I came and this time, I worry, I haven’t got the energy to crawl out again. Why, why why does my mind seem to hate me so much? I feel completely out of control, my emotions and feelings whirring around with no sense of any stability or optimism.

I am aware that many people who read this may assume that this life of mine is only made worse by the fact that I am still continuing to use cannabis as a form of coping. However, although I am wise enough to accept that there are side affects which can also cause depression, I am past the starting point when it comes to full blown hate for myself. The cannabis at the moment, is the only part of my day where I am able to feel a short sense of relief, a break from the continuous onslaught on terror of my mind. I am so lost at the moment, I cry out to the Lord pleading for answers, for help, for motivation to change what is making me miserable and to accept the things that I have no control over. I apologise every day for being a sinner, but this feels empty as I continue to then smoke/swear/spend and isolate myself from my spiritual family. I feel I am failing Him and this belief, rather than encourage me to go to more  prayer gatherings and to seek help from those in my spiritual family, is making me retreat more into the depths of my seemingly bleak existence. Happiness is an emotion that seems so short lived and superficial for me recently, that I wonder if I have exhausted the capacity to feel joy at all. I am in a hole yet again and can almost hear the Devils applause at yet another day he has won me back into his arms again, desperately seeking an outlet for my pain.

I am trying to assess where it has all gone so horribly wrong again. My medication has been increased so by rights, I should be as happy and manic as a child who's just scoffed an entire bag of Haribos and is let loose in a toy store. This sadly is not the case. My boyfriend has even been home as He has a couple of weeks off work, but rather than making me happy, this has unsettled me further. Having someone else around me all the time, in my close surroundings, in the comfort of my own little cave, I become a psychotic control freak, barking orders at him and refusing to be enthusiastic about his attempts at 'getting me out the house.' I am the evil girlfriend, who screams, cries and insults him. Subconsciously I seem to be working my hardest at pushing the only man who has ever had enough patience to stay, further and further away from me. Whilst he's here, I feel even more useless and out of control, as if my space is invaded and acutely aware that his/my assumed expectations of me, are far to high for me to ever possibly meet. These expectations merely being the willingness to engage in activities that don't sedate me, a smile rather than a frown as he wakes every morning and just someone who doesn’t fail so expertly at keeping the house tidy, maintaining an acceptable level of personal hygiene and beauty and generally my continuing to be the most fickle minded, useless creature he could have ever ended up with.

I am unsure of where to go from here. Tomorrow is a new day, a new week, another fresh opportunity to live a life consistent with my God destiny rather than fuelled by the enemies lies and attacks on my soul. Will I be strong enough to wake up and face it head on? Can I learn to lean on God more, to really let Him in, to really trust His voice and the words of hope He has spoken through others over my life? Can I learn to control my obsessive nature, my controlling spirit, my addictive pursuits and my continuous ever evolving methods of self sabotage? “God I really need you to help me. I pray Father, that you will guide me into the destiny you have created me for and that I have the insight to remain strong and true, no matter what the circumstances in my outside world and my afflicted mind. Teach me to recognise and follow your voice Lord, for I am struggling and I call to you for help. Please save me from myself. Thank you Lord. Amen.”

Love Always.x