He Heard My Call

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." (Psalm 71:20-21 NIV)

 As soon as I finished writing my entry last night, I immediately sensed the lifting of a burden from within me. Pouring my heart out to God never returns void, and where darkness was ruling, He sent His love to penetrate through the many walls I have continued to build. I noticed myself singing as I drove in my car and it took me a while to realise that the pent up feeling of pain and frustration had been temporarily relieved. My God heard my call and He came to comfort me. I lapped up the love like a young child and realised the importance of my continuing to follow His plans for me. He really does care, He really does listen and He really can help. "Thank you Father, for finding me in my misery and shining your all consuming love into the darker recesses of my tormented mind."

Today I was back to feeling the same hopelessness and frustration as I usually feel in the morning. My mornings are always greeted by the promise of a new start, but then immediately quietened as my resistance to actually get out of my pit and engage in the real world is nothing short of a major battle. I will myself to move from the comfort of my covers, staring down at yet another list of 'ideal day' items I would like to accomplish over the next twelve or so hours. This sadly, does not work to motivate me. Instead, I close my eyes and pretend to vanish, disturbed sleep and crazy thoughts capture my every attempt to break free from the bed and it was 10:40am before I had finally bullied myself enough to get up and face the day. Since then, things haven’t actually been that bad. I got on with it and did thirty minutes exercise, tidied the house, hung out the washing, had a shower and shaved (an activity that rarely surfaces) and had a really intense meeting with my occupational therapist. Today I have worked meticulously through my list and as the time approaches 7pm, I feel I have achieved more today than I did in the whole of last week. Where no strength resided, the Lord has filled me back up.

I am by no means healed, my constant demands of perfection for every area of my life, my crippling paranoia about what people think of me and my inability to feel genuine positivity about seemingly any area of my life, are still with me today. But instead of drowning in those thoughts and realisations, I got up, dusted myself off and fought the enemy of procrastination and self sabotage to actually achieve some goals. I have also started reading Jill Austin's book 'Dancing With Destiny' which so far has been an inspirational insight into my relationship with the Lord and how I can pursue it further into the full realisation of my destined life in Christ. Whilst I may be feeling far from the Lord because of my depression/addiction/isolation, my spirit still refuses to be stopped. The spirit side of me knows that there is a life that I can be living where I don't feel trapped in a prison of my own making. Last night I believe my spirit was truly touched by God, because today I felt that small glimmer of hope for my future creep back in.

I have chosen to try and write on here more as I recognise that my mind is afflicted every minute of the day and without letting out some of the emotions, they stay within attacking all opportunities to grow and keeping me far from my ability to have a future. I want God to see that I am trying and that I am willing and wanting to follow Him home, no matter how hard that journey may be. With each corner there are new lessons to learn, more weapons to use and harder challenges to face, but the relief and love I felt last night as I cried to Him for help, reminded me that this is worth fighting my life for. I have chosen this path and the Devil, no matter how many times and ways he tries, will not succeed at taking my life. I am a child of God and I am loved more than I could ever imagine. Just because I don't always feel it, doesn’t mean it isn't so and that’s what He tells me all the time. It's just up to me, to make sure I continue to believe Him.

Love Always.x