Focus On God Not The Enemy

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (Romans 12:12 NIV)

Firstly for some good news (seriously): I have lost 7lb via Weight Watchers in the last two weeks! Finally a shift in the right direction. This is a great motivation for me to continue on and has finally provided an area where the enemy is no longer free to wreak havoc and abuse. My relationship with food has ranged from bulimia to more recently the constant binging but without the sickness. Although I love food, as with most things in my life, I have managed to also use this as a weapon of self sabotage and in recent years have relied on the weekends of drug taking to keep me at an easy slim and desirable weight. However, without the regular break from stuffing myself with food, to filling myself with cocaine, my food abuse spiralled out of control. Finally, I am clawing back some of the control myself and I couldn't be happier!

As for the last week, the story is not so beautiful. The enemy has continued to attack me and I spent another three days in bed, wishing the world would leave me alone. My inability to complete the most basic of tasks, requiring the smallest levels of self discipline have passed me by and my growing frustration is in no way helping my idea to reduce my cannabis intake. The Devil has me right where he wants me, confused, tired and convinced I will not get any better any time soon. Even my several therapists, last week have told me that although I am one of the most self aware and insightful patients they have, I am extremely hard on myself and seem automatically wired to self sabotage. At least its not just me that has picked up on this lack of ability to move forward in my life.

Its a real disappointment that last week was so miserable as Tuesday night I went to a prayer gathering with my spiritual family and felt God work his loving tenderness into my heart again. I talked openly about my struggle with life and my beautiful family prayed for both my boyfriend and I and offered massive words of help and encouragement. Justin prophesied over me about him seeing me having a house of healing, which was like music to my ears as he spoke out the secret desires of my heart and visions with God. I left feeling lighter, brighter and ready to face the enemy. Then as Wednesday morning came, I refused to cooperate with the sunshine’s attempts to get me out of bed. Instead I chose to stay rotting in my own filth, battling with the thoughts that seemed to constantly invade my mind. I finally found the strength to continue reading 'Dancing with Destiny' and allowed myself to remember that the enemy was at work behind all this. If I am well, I am a threat to the kingdom of darkness. If I remain depressed, addicted and unable to motivate myself to grow, then I will never move in the glorious destiny God has promised me and that is what has pushed me to pray harder and longer with the Lord.

Its my habit to speak with God when driving as I feel there are no other distractions (aside from other traffic) to keep me focused on Him. As the weekend approached and the lack of movement outside of my own four walls remained, I began praying more throughout the day. Prayers of thanks and blessing, of requests for strength and motivation and culminating yesterday in me singing at the top of my lungs a song which I made up as I went along, about my intense love for the Father. I also used Patricia Kings 'Decree' booklet in the last two days, along with worship music and faith DVD's when in bed, to drown out the bitter comments that the enemy insists on throwing me. He may refuse to leave, but I will do all in my power to replace the continuous negative commentary on my life, with decrees and lessons about the truth. As God keeps reminding me, the Devil is the Father of lies and has taken up residence within my mind, but it is up to me if I allow him to stay.

I wish I could say this journey is getting easier, that I feel the noose of fear and frustration loosen from around my neck. But this is far from the truth. With each step forward the enemy fights back and threatens to destroy me completely once and for all. But, I do get back up and every time I do I sing my praises to the Lord. The truth is not always easy and it certainly isn't comfortable at first, as with any worthwhile change. However, no matter how dark my days may be, all I need to do when feeling like death is the only way to alleviate my inner pain, is turn to God, unload my mind and offer my thanks. It has not failed to work yet. He is always willing me on, filling me with hope and strength from his eternal spring and keeping me focused, no matter how weak, on the beauty of the life he has blessed me with. There is never a moment where I consider leaving this way of life, this journey, this uncovering of the truth. So the enemy may continue to water the weeds of doubt and fear in me, but the Lord is planting seeds, that as He slowly waters, will spring up in time to reveal the true Rebecca, his dear child in whom a beautiful garden is being grown. Its the seeds that he sows, that keeps me alive. Glory to God.

Love Always.x