“When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” ” (John 8:12 NIV)
Its coming up to nearly a year since I first started writing this, since I first starting walking the path of a life lived before God. I'm not going to do my big end of year speech yet as am hoping to print off the previous entries and read them to get some perspective on exactly what the last twelve months journey into the glory realm has really been like for me. Undoubtedly I have changed. This last year as well as being the year I awoke to the truth has also been the hardest year regarding my mental health and getting the right care provided for me to deal with it. I am now in the fortunate situation that means I now not only have a fantastic family (both natural and spiritual), but I also have a deep sense of faith and a highly able mental health team. So this year, in whatever way has made sufficient progress from the previous twenty five.
One thing I do want to talk about is the real me. The me that I had forgotten existed, who is now, albeit slowly, starting to come out from underneath my protective shell and is starting to embrace the world again. My inspiration and creativity levels are through the roof and for the first time in my life I am starting to figure out what Rebecca wants, instead of what I think the rest of the world wants from me. Things as simple as picking which food I like, what programme I watch, what beauty products I use and how I decorate my home. These were all alien to me before this last year as the real me was so far inside, that my purchases/choices/lifestyle was lived more for other peoples benefit than my own. Recognising I have my own unique personality and tastes has been a massive and welcomed surprise. Before, making any decision based on personal choice, even as simple as picking which clothes to buy, would be a major stressful period. It was often like dressing/feeding/entertaining a plastic doll. I was unsure of the true identity of the girl I was trying to be, so would flail around endlessly trying to connect the dots of my soul wherever I could. In the end, I guess I just gave up and that’s when the mother of all breakdowns came and saved, yes that’s right, saved my life.
Having the worst manic and depressive episodes of my bipolar disorder has meant that whether I liked it or not, things had to change. I could no longer go on living as if I was invincible, snorting and downing whatever substances I came into contact with. My lack of love for myself also showed in my mismanagement of my finances, my unstable relationship with people/food/talking about myself. My oh so well practiced character of party girl who didn’t care for anything serious got tested and showed up for what it really was....... a protection against a world I was terrified to find myself living in. Its taken eleven months and a lot of new medication, many prayer sessions and a lot of crying to God, but I am getting there. For the first time in my life I feel like I have a foundation of truth on which to build. The rest of the journey will I imagine, continue to test everything that I thought I knew and find the ways of applying my real character to each fresh new challenge.
The biggest difference of all is that I am learning to be who I am meant to be in a world that screams at you to be anything but. I now have a real understanding that we are all interconnected and my actions will inevitably have a knock-on effect to other people. This thought alone, has been enough to make some much needed changes. All in all the journey has been the best bit, the learning, failing, relearning and accomplishing. Meeting so many new and amazing people, getting closer to my family and somehow out of extreme darkness and pain, finding a light that continues to shine even when I can't see it. Now that's progress!
Love Always.x
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