The Face Of Jesus

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16 )

I think its safe to say my manic episode of the past six weeks has officially left the building. In place of productivity and unknown but frequent spikes of happiness, I am welcomed back into the gloomy arms of depression. It seems happy to have me back. In the past six weeks I successfully managed to spend over £1000 (remember I do not have a job at present) and have been going here there and everywhere with an air of happiness and manic delight. This too has had its down points, aside from the obvious spending implications, I am much more difficult to deal with when manic. The positive side is that this time the episode lasted long enough for me to be able to really assess how different the swings in my mood really are and believe me when I tell you they are vast. I am now crawling back under the covers as I prepare to deal with the onslaught of vile attacks on my mind, productivity and general sense of well-being. I should be used to this by now, but it still saddens me every time I get that familiar feeling of falling off the edge of a large cliff into the life I will now be struggling to live over the following few weeks.

My faith has ensured my conversations to God are daily, even though it may just be to offer up my thanks for continuing to keep me alive even when I see no real use in this survival. I still sing and dance for Him in the privacy of my own home and I have decided to get back to reading some new books (over twenty that I ordered to be exact) about growing in my faith and connectivity with Him. Even in the manic state I was in I was still aware of His ever increasing presence in my life and the other night I experienced a truly beautiful moment when I allowed myself to focus on the face of Jesus. This was an unbelievable moment for me, a face that has been depicted by so many different artists appeared to me as completely different to those images I have ever seen before. His hair was darker, ruffled around His face, his nose a prominent feature but not nearly as enchanting as his gaze. Eyes that changed colour and intensity the longer I gazed at Him, made this a particularly breathless moment for me. He is beautiful, but even that word does him no justice. He is beyond our human understanding of beauty, its something you can only feel rather than describe. Since this night I see Him much more frequently, especially those deep eyes that stare into the very depths of my darkened soul. I am in love with this man with every ounce of my being and it delights me to revel in this fact.

My mental health aside, new lessons about life and love, faith and spirituality, are being revealed every day. The journey seems to have picked up a pace, though the lessons are more comprehensive for me to get my head around. I seem to be finding the charms of life that God has left me in different areas ranging from my mind, to anger, to other people and to the world. He is changing me truly from the inside out and this experience in itself justifies the born again theory in my mind. For I am being renewed daily and it is his wisdom and strength that allow this to be so. In summary, my God is still here, still watching and waiting and supporting me along the way. I'm still here to write another day and in the life I have led, that is achievement in itself!

Love Always.x