The Love Of Family

Honor your father and mother so that you'll live a long time in the land that God, your God, is giving you. (Exodus 20:12)

 

 

Last night was a turning point in my world of addiction. Feeling sedated and spaced out off my new increased medication and craving cocaine, I went over to spend time with my mum in an attempt to feel better and stop the cravings in their tracks. Whilst my mum rallied herself together and we phoned doctors and my therapist to get some medical advice on my drowsiness, the need for cocaine kept getting bigger. So big in fact, that in between being comforted by my mum, I was sending text messages to my dealer to see if he could provide me with my much needed fix. All ok so far. Then when my mum asked who I’d been texting, I admitted what I had done and all manner of hell broke loose. My mum, understandably, was completely devastated. She had sat with me comforting me through my pain and I was still ridiculous enough to be trying to get hold of the very poison that was tearing my life apart. My mum then decided to firstly not let me leave her house, then when I finally stamped around enough she allowed me to go home on the condition that she went with me.

So there we were, my mum and I both crying, both desperate to end the addiction that has already swallowed up so much of my life. We talked, both being aware of the others feelings about what was happening and as we did a calm descended as we both began to understand the others point of view. The thing is, that talking to me when I am in addiction mode isn’t really like talking to me. Its like the real me disappears and in her place is an evil, selfish and impatient woman who will stop at nothing to get her much needed fix for the day. The battle between my mum and I caused my dad to drive fifty minutes down the motorway so he too could be there to help his daughter. My family, my beautiful family were not going to watch me fail, they loved me too much.
After much talking and the arrival of Nathan who also agreed to be stronger in denying me the drugs when I want them, I was ready for everyone to leave. We talked about the possibility of me going into hospital so I was safe not just from the drugs but from the depression which has once again taken residence in my mind. I know now that I am not strong enough to fight this battle on my own and am at the point where I am willing to do anything to get better. I cant live like this, this half life I have been living for as long as I can remember.

When my parents, after many tears left the house, I turned to my boyfriend and pleaded for him to get me drugs. This option is usually guaranteed to work but this time he was different, he had strength that I have never seen in him before and he told me in no uncertain terms that if the dealer came to our house he would leave me and phone my parents, so that put an end to that. In my misery I glared at him, took my night time medication and shortly afterwards, snuggled next to this wonderful man, I fell asleep.

Today I feel proud of the achievement we made as a couple and as a family yesterday. The life of an addict is a selfish one and affects everyone around you and I saw this in all its glory yesterday. My amazing family love me too much to watch this continue to destroy my life even though they understand that for me it is a quick route to happiness and escapism. More than anything they want me to find a way of living my life that reflects beauty and truth, not drugs and lies which they have to watch slowly kill their daughter. I am so fortunate to have a family and a boyfriend who love me as much as they do for without them, today I would be telling the same sad story of how I used too much and how my behaviour further got out of control. Today though, because of them, I have conquered another battle, climbed another hill, squashed another demon. Because of them I can look at myself today and instead of hating what I see, give the little girl inside me another opportunity to gain in confidence and maybe, just maybe, she'll stick around for a bit longer this time.

Love Always.x