My Birthday!

"Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace." (Luke 7:50)

Happy Birthday to me! Today I turned 26 and I already feel a change internally regarding my life from here on in. Usually I would be spending my birthday recovering or still partying, armed with a plethora of drugs and drink to set the year in motion. I can't remember the last time I had a birthday that did not include complete and utter annihilation of the reality surrounding me. This year so far, my birthday week and day have been an alarming contrast. No cocaine, no vodka and no imminent hangover and comedown. I am just me and it hasn’t gone unnoticed.

I feel like I have shut the door on my past today. Last night, I knelt down next to my bed and asked for God to allow me to experience full closeness with Him over the coming year. I asked for guidance and willpower to stop me from straying to the temptations and black holes of my past. I could literally feel the flutter of angel wings around my ears and as I gazed around my room when I got into bed, I was sure my room was filled with His presence. I could see flashes of bright light around my bed, in my doorway and around my body. It was a moment alone, where I felt completely happy and safe and welcomed in the new year that the Lord has given to me to grow.

Every year I have so many goals for what I want to do at the new grown up age I have reached. The goals change, but mainly they are to look after my body better, to travel, to learn to play piano, to speak another language and to spend more time with friends and family. I also usually plan to manage my finances better although so far NOTHING has ever come close to having that completed! Even so, the years go past and as with the finance goal, real life steps in, old habits return and I resign myself to the fact that my willpower and ability to motivate myself to do anything is ridiculously low. The drinking starts again, then come the drugs, bang goes the spending and the rest of the goals just fritter away as if never planned into my destiny.

This year I have become a new creation. This year, the only goal I am setting is to spend more and more time with the Lord. To read His word, to understand His message, to continue to walk in my destiny that He has for me. I undoubtedly have a lot of catching up to do, but all the more exciting does that make my new year. Funnily enough, I suspect that the other goals I usually set will also be met over the next twelve months. Although my focus will be on the Lord, the wonderful effects of this dedication will likely seep to all areas of my life. Already, the goal to spend more time with my friends and family has been achieved. The daughter, sister and friend they lost for many years is now back and in regular, beautiful contact. I therefore have full trust in my Lord, to make sure that any other goals which I am meant to achieve, will happen. If they don't, then I doubt very much I will have the usual 11 month guilt cycle I experience after the first month of caving in to temptation. No, I am already seeing that some of the many goals (not listed here) I insist on adding to my list year after year were not meant to be completed at that time, as who I was then and even maybe, who I am now.

The writing of this daily blog will be able to document my growth and I am already excited about the changes that lay ahead for me. The girl that started this has already changed so much and today has really hit home how much I have already grown and how much I have already conquered. Reading over my past entries already lets me see the ways in which I have allowed myself to be trapped in the past and more importantly the ways I am setting myself free from them so I can enjoy my future.

Whilst I am acutely aware of my mind games and know that challenge is inevitable, I am also greatly humbled to be who I am today. Today, I turned twenty six, I had breakfast with my mum, went shopping with one of my best mates, had a massage and I am going out for a meal with my family later. My facebook page and phone has been inundated with messages wishing me a happy birthday and acknowledging this turning point for me in my life on this world. It shows that even in my darkest moments, I am not alone. I am a person, battling along like the rest of us in what can sometimes be a hard and challenging environment. This next year, I am full of hope and I am also happy to know that I am finally walking out the wilderness of the past and into the beauty of my adult life. I am a child of God and whatever happens, I will not forget that He is with me every step of the way. This is my time, this is my destiny, this is my life.

Love Always.x