On The Right Path

"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will" (Ephesians 1:11 NIV)

I, me, yes misery guts over here, has had a good day! I have cleaned and organised my living room, read the first few chapters of the Gospel Of Mark, made two fresh and healthy meals, been food shopping and have just returned from a yoga class! All in all, an ideal day in my book. Of course the demons of procrastination and self abuse were ever present, but with my sword of faith and shield of knowledge, I was able to set forth and conquer. The trick to achieving this lovely day, was the ultimate in preparation and organisation. Last night I planned out every meal for the next five days, the accompanying shopping list and filled my daily diary with things I had to do each day. These ranged from the obvious such as brushing my teeth, to the desired, which was the Bible reading and the yoga class. I am so pleased to say I achieved 90% of the goals I wanted to and I feel extremely positive.

When I was telling my mum about what I had achieved so far earlier in the day, she pointed out that this is what I should be focusing on. I must take one day at a time, being fully present in each of the activities and not fretting about everything else. I really tried to take that on board today and it appears to have worked tremendously. I know people say that planning your days is too restrictive and can prevent spontaneity from occurring but for me to get well, this is the way forward. I was able today, to focus on my faith, my health, my eating and personal to do lists that never seem to get done. It might not work for everyone, but is was really satisfying to tick each thing off the list and finally feel I am living, rather than existing. The voices of doubt and hate crept in but I somehow managed to block them out and continue on, so I really hope I can achieve the same tomorrow.

Setting a specific period of time (1 hour) where I dedicated myself to reading the bible and writing parts that struck a chord in me, had a rather surprising outcome. I am even more thirsty to read it again tomorrow and I was able to absorb the beauty of the words much quicker than before. My mind welcomed in the knowledge of the parables that Mark writes about and my enthusiasm surpassed what it has on previous reading sessions. I love love love the gospel of Mark so far, the parables that Jesus used being my absolute favourite. I was able to close my eyes and see the Lord in front of me, living out the testimonies written about him. It was a magical hour where my senses were captivated and God allowed me even closer than He has before. The love that I feel when I think of Jesus is real and is growing in strength and understanding daily. Baby of faith I may be, but I feel that I have know Him all my life. We just got separated for a bit whilst I explored a life without Him as my focus. It only seems right that my path has now woven again into His. This falling to my knees was absolutely meant to happen, it was the only way I was able to return to the arms of Him again.

I thought today of what I would want to do if I could do anything in the world for the rest of my life and I knew without a doubt, that writing was the one true passion I have always had and always yearned to do more of. I do believe I am destined to write and reflecting over my past, from a little girl writing stories, to a troubled teen writing poems and now a woman writing a blog, I see my life is more on track than I may think. In the midst of trouble, of self doubt, there is usually something that takes us away from that dark place and that will tell you so much about the type of person you were destined to be. For some, that may be playing an instrument, singing, dancing or painting. Whatever it is, that secret safety blanket reveals the true you, in my opinion anyway. Its been a revelation to me to discover that the passion I had, that I didn’t really appreciate and use for so many years, has been my main way of reconnecting to God. It feels right that I am not singing to Him, although I sometimes dance alone in my house, uplifting myself from pain and performing for only Him. But mainly, our pathway of communication seems to come when I am doing this, writing about my walk, my journey with Him. Who I am is becoming clearer day by day and it is not so different as the person I really was all those years, behind that mask, away from the rest of the world.

I love being a child of God. I don' always fully understand what that means in its full capacity yet, but I know it means his love is slowly but surely pulling me out of the darkness. I am living my destiny, I am walking the path of my true self, but I have a lot of layers to shake off as I go. As each old mask is peeled back I face a fight, extreme resistance and what initially appears to be another mammoth breakdown. But really it is a making not breaking of my true character as He intended it to be. The resistance is the training I need, because there are greater battles outside of my own mind that I am destined to face. He has already started the process that is stripping me back, forcing me to drop the charade I have been relying on to get through and learning how to be me again, just me. Woah its challenging, but even in the midst of one of the worst depressive episodes I have ever experienced, I can see the light. Its very small...........but its there and I know exactly whose shining it!

Love Always.x