"You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory" (Psalm 73:24 NIV)
Got the new motor vehicle today, wooooooo hoooooooo!! Enjoyed the time spent with my mum on the journey and am hugely grateful to my family for helping me achieve this dream. Sadly I still can't shift the anger and frustration though. I am annoyed with the world and everyone in it. I am positively evil and if this is the spirit of anger and misery, then it is sticking like super super glue to my persona and it is wearing me out. I am being ground down day after day. Being bipolar carries with it the ability to create new persona’s depending on what episode I am experiencing, e.g. mania or depression. However, the depression bit is the one that I find hardest to cope with, it eats away at any happiness left inside of you, till only a shell is left and personality is void. I am told it is still too early for the lithium to have its full effects, but it has been over 3 months now and all that has happened is I have become more depressed and more frustrated, when will it stop?
On the way home in my new car today, I had a word with God about my anger and my journey so far. Whilst talking with Him I was able to realise several points which illustrated why I am in the darkest dungeons of my personality disorder. One was that if I was to fulfil my destiny and help and heal broken people, I needed to understand the pain, anger and utter despair that I would be coming across. That for me to truly help and to accomplish what is needed, these trials I am experiencing are essential to my growth and to my chosen path. These emotions, challenges and worries were all there to shape me as a warrior in the spiritual world and were merely starting blocks for the adversity I will face over the coming months and years. God has given me what I need to learn to deal with, because although I don't think I can get through it, He knows otherwise. I am battling with a demon that rockets me between the highest pleasure and the deepest pain and God has allowed this, because it is in the conquering of it, that I will be able to do what He needs me to do.
These moments with God allow me to look from His perspective and from the outside in, at the chaos I feel I am in the middle of. It is not easy, but it is essential, that I understand levels of human psychosis so that I can cleanse myself and also I suppose, so that I can believe in the power of the Lord to get me through. I can be, as we all can, a living testament of His word, but that means I must cross barriers I didn't even know existed. I am often overwhelmed by the thoughts in my head. I am scared, annoyed, exhausted but realistically, I am not actually lost. The wilderness does not stop, it just comes in new disguises, new situations and new feelings that can hinder or help me, depending on my perspective.
Life is so short, it has so many opportunities to sedate yourself from what reality is. Gritty, harsh and often uncompromising is the path we may find ourselves on. I crave the light, the beauty and the comfort of being happy with who I am and with what my true destiny is in the world. If I could flick a switch and make all this mental anguish fade, I honestly believed I would. But I sit here, after another weekend of dealing with my extreme dislike for myself, sober with not a comedown or hangover in sight. It would be easy for me to go back to the vices and behaviours of my past, to give up the fight to find who I am and being closer to the Lord. Instead, I spent quality time with my boyfriend and aired my issues on here, trying desperately to understand my mind. I may think I can not cope, some days I may not want to, but I made a commitment and no matter what happens, or how hard it gets, I somehow know I will get through and happiness will be waiting. True, lasting and beautiful, like the Lord. I live to fight another day, and of course I am thankful to be having that chance.
Love Always.x
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