Angry Angry Me

“Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil” (Psalm 37:8 NIV)

When things don't go exactly as planned, I lose myself in the moment completely. I get so absorbed, that rational thinking and a sound mind are all but a distant memory. Mostly in that particular moment, I am red hot, angry and spitting venom. This my friends, was the start of my weekend. Bubbling up from under the surface, erupted my almighty temper and all I could do was ride it out......again.

My wonderful boyfriend had offered to buy me a car for my birthday. He gave me a limit of £2000 which is the most I (meaning my dad and I) have ever spent on a car for myself. I am not really a 'car' person. I can only drive an automatic after three instructors advised against my driving and the final instructor was the most patient man known to walk the earth and had an automatic car to teach me in. So, I was over the moon when my boyfriend offered to buy me a car, especially as the other week the hunk of junk that I was risking my life in every day, packed in on the dual carriage way en route to my romantic night away!

Car shopping is very stressful, I hated it, every single second. My dad helped me so much as he is a car genius and was able to ask the appropriate questions prior to agreeing a sale. My questions were more, shall we say immaterial, the shininess of the car, for example. So, my dad and I went last weekend to view a lovely VW beetle and my heart leapt out of my chest. It was a great price and it seemed as if it had popped up out of nowhere, like it was meant to be. It felt right even before I saw it, it felt like it was meant to be mine. As soon as my dad had quizzed the man about every detail, I put a deposit down and text my boyfriend the great news. He equally seemed pleased and over the last week I have asked him to deposit the money in my account so I can pick it up. Unfortunately, due to 12 hours shifts in the middle of nowhere he did not have access to the bank. Fine, I therefore planned for us to go to the bank and for us to collect the car yesterday. Oh, how wrong I was. Then began the battle of my patience, my compassion and my ability to remain calm and collected. Just to make you aware, I failed miserably in all these areas, and more.

My boyfriend text me in the morning from the bank to say he wouldn’t have the full money for two weeks.  TWO WEEKS. I had planned to get it yesterday. I had been using my mum as a taxi service since my car broke down and I needed my independence back badly. This was not happening to me, I had made plans, I had been good and organised but to no avail. I seeped hatred from every pore and screamed to know why I hadn’t been advised of this apparently new 'glitch' in the financial planning. I will not go into the gory details of the several hour long texting marathon that ensued but I can confirm I have no car but I still have a boyfriend....just. I had threatened him with the almighty get out the house card and it  had nearly worked. My stubbornness and his knowledge of how adamant I am when I make my mind up, created a void that love could not fill. Instead, anger, distrust, fear, hate and worry circled our usually adoring partnership. It was my extreme anger and frustration about not having what I wanted, when I wanted it that had annoyed me. But what had really really hurt and upset me, was that I felt I had been kept in the dark about it. I felt like an outsider in our relationship and I didn't like or appreciate it.

It has now been resolved. Money is being borrowed from family members who to be honest, could do with the money themselves, but out of pure love have jumped to my rescue. My mum, dad and sister are rescuing me again, knowing that their gesture will be deeply appreciated by me and would stop the remainder of the weekend and my relationship from being destroyed. Of course, the money will be given back to them by my boyfriend, who I love deeply and realise that I am not the easiest of people to encounter and open up to when the information you are telling me is letting me down. My anger is often uncontrollable and is a dark force that resides in me, just waiting for the slightest click to set it off. I become everything I hate, cruel, sarcastic, arrogant, scathing, self pitying and most of all hurtful with my words. It is a trait that had only worsened over the years and with the freedom from drug and alcohol abuse, it only seems to have got worse. Or maybe, I am now more aware of it.

I feel like I am on a roller-coaster ride and I don't know how many more highs and lows I can take. My family and my boyfriend see the many faces of the girl that is me, the one without all the masks, the one who is just finding who I am again. But do you know what scares me, what if this angry bitter person really is me? What if the party girl was actually the great me, the best that I could be? The girl I have been this weekend has both disappointed and then surprised me. I am one for holding a grudge, especially with my boyfriend. I reminded him for hours after he returned home and the situation was resolved that he had let me down and I was embarrassed by him. That’s horrible and is a form of bullying, I wanted him to feel as bad as me and I kept on reminding him of his error. I do not want to be that person anymore.

Today we have had a beautiful day in our home, enjoying each others company. We have been in love, slow dancing in the kitchen, cuddling on the sofa and organising our home. There has been no anger, no tears, no hatred, just pure beautiful love. So, maybe, I am being forced to deal with parts of me that have been kept hidden from the world. My anger is a part of me I hate and so is my manipulation and emotional blackmail I show towards my boyfriend if he has let me down. Some days I am a cow and my evilness roars out of me and frees me of some more of the pain that I have been carrying. I have not been angry today, I have been happy, calm and in love. I want to be like that more, but the fiery belly inside me is ready to flare up at the slightest alteration of my ideals and plans. This is where I must trust in the Lord to cleanse me, to help me. Maybe that’s what is happening anyway. I am being forced to face my demons, to look in the mirror and see them staring back at me. To use my anger doesn’t empower me, it weakens me and hurts others. I want to be free of this demon, so in Gods name I pray: "Release me from the spirit of anger, Release me from the spirit of fear and let my soul be free to love, to be patient and to be kind to all and to myself. Please Lord, set me free."

Love Always.x