“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11 NIV)
I am bipolar and I believe in God. I have a mental illness, but I also have faith. In the last few months I have tried to honour one of these and discount the other, mainly focusing on the faith side. This has got me to a point where on most days I am in no mood for focusing on either, so am just left to deal with the onslaught of my vicious mind. Today after a day with Mary Poppins (my sister), a meeting with citizens advice and finally over coffee with my mum and her best friend, it clicked that I have both faith and illness in my life and to find a happy medium I have to learn to adapt my life to both. Where there is one, there is the other, at least for now.
In light of recent weeks, I have had time to start looking at the parts of me I need to get in order so I can live a relatively normal life. Normal meaning: no drug/alcohol abuse, no savage partying, no extreme anger cycles in my daily existence and no self harm and abuse which ultimately leads to 'breakdown of the century again.' Now, to someone of a sane mind doing tasks such as cleaning the house, budgeting, food shopping and eating may seem a doddle, but this is sadly not the case for me. I find these tasks overwhelming and get frustrated with myself and anyone within close vicinity of me. My mums friend who we had coffee with today, has extensive experience dealing with people who need help to live their lives, from mental disorders to domestic abuse victims and so on. She hit the nail on the head when she said for years (especially prior to my diagnosis), I had learnt my own coping strategies and medicated myself. Obviously taking drugs and raving for 48 hours is not the most recommended path of recovery but it did help me to cope and plaster over the truth of my mental situation. It provided the sedation and release I needed from my disorder and now without any of it, I have to deal with me. I hate it and it is driving me insane.
I am aware that there are people who are experiencing much worse scenarios in their life than me and I would love to stop thinking these thoughts and just get on with my life, but I am genuinely mentally unwell. I am not currently living with a rational mind and no matter how many great things are in my life, they are not communicated as such in my head. I am not pitying myself and if you read this and think that, then please know that I want to be out of this crazy maze more than you can imagine. This is torture and is tricking me, hurting me and destroying not just me, but the people close to me as well. Mental illness is still misunderstood by so many people. Whatever it is that triggers it can't seem to back up and explain what happens to a person when they become under its spell. It is like waking up in a nightmare every day, so much that you only wish for peace, sedation and in worst moments, suicide. It is not a click your fingers and focus on something else opportunity, no matter how many people tell me if I could just get on with things, I would be fine. Whatever I am doing, I am still me and that’s the problem. I still see through my eyes, its my mind that is still poisoning me. Whatever has happened to me, whatever has caused it, has eaten away at me for years and years and can not be solved by just throwing myself back into life. That is a common misconception by many doctors too, but they don’t realise the mask can go back on and in a few months or years it may slip off for good. Welcome to my life.
So I now know that I can not ignore that I am bipolar and expect faith to be my saving grace for it all. I believe in God and know He is clearing paths for me and opening my eyes every day. Maybe that’s why it is so hard for me to function, because the startling reality of my mind is plain for me to see. I asked God to help me and I believe He is doing exactly that. Not in the way I had originally hoped, which was providing a miracle bolt of lightening to come down and cure my mental affliction, but by making me be honest about it for the first time in my life. Reading my blog you may think I seem like a miserable, vain person who only dwells on my own misfortune but I can assure you that prior to this breakdown I hid my true self for many many years. It resurfaced only when I hit a major depressive episode and even then, only family were able to see the real me come out. I am not hiding any more. I am being honest and hopefully that will not only help me, but could also help other people who have been living behind a mask that they are desperate to escape from. I still believe in God, I still believe in the prophetic words spoken over me about healing broken people. But I now realise that I need to find ways to cope with myself from day to day without the need to escape from it all.
Bipolar and faith, disease and God, they are not always separate entity's. There are lessons to be learnt and beauty to be realised when we are faced with battles, we often feel too weak to understand. I have been trying to focus purely on growing in my faith, almost using that as an easier escape route than wading through the battlefield. That stops today. The ultimate goal will be that I can walk free of the chains that keep me captive to a sick/ill mind, but in the mean time I need to face the demons that locked me in there. What can the mind hold for me that God wants me to discover? What depths does He urge me to go to in order to find the truth and the light that will set freedom and love as an achievable path? I read before that God allows all things to happen, the Devil must first request his permission. Whether that is true or not it rings true to me today. I am not losing faith because I haven’t been immediately released from this mind prison, I am relearning new ways to live the life I have been running away from for so many years. I am not giving up I am growing. Sometimes, the darkest places yield the brightest gems. This quote seems very relevant to this point:
I am going to learn to deal with the mind I have been given and the threats it poses to my existence. I am going to work in unison, keeping faith as my shield and knowledge as my sword. Instead of treating the two as enemies to each other, as opponents for my life, I am focusing on using them to live the destiny I know God has for me. The road will not be easy but now I am not fighting my mind and wishing the pain away, I am opening my heart to understand it and help me to grow, to experience and to find that eternal promise, I know awaits me.
Love Always.x
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