“Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.” (Psalm 34:19)
I am convinced in my past hedonistic days, I somehow, whether willingly or not, invoked the spirits of Hell from their slumber. In doing so, it would appear I have made a life long pact that I would be expected to honour, no matter what path I find myself on. I am more aware than ever in these past few days, of my attachment to the darkness. Its eerie voices, its sadistic offerings and its annoying comfort are all elements of what can only be described as my journey through hell to glory. It is not a jolly one, that’s for sure.
I have been mourning my old life these past few days. I did not write last night as could not bear to add another depressing entry to my already negative appearing walk of faith. It is not justified to say that getting closer to God has made me worse mentally than before, but it certainly has made me have to look at a lot of my behaviours and mental chatter, and that has been very difficult. Last night, as I have done for several nights now, I have been smoking cannabis again. In my defence, I was an addict of cocaine and alcohol, and that has been by far the hardest wall I've ever had to climb. I am not condoning the smoking, but every now and again, I still crave the old me, the sedated me.
It's silly really, I sometimes feel no more happier now than I did a couple of months ago. I suppose that regardless of the drugs and drink, I was still battling a mental disorder and that has now been forced out from behind the weapons I used to cover it. Even worse, I am now expected to deal with it. I think this is why I have been so miserable the past few days. When I was angry, sad, confused etc. before, I would just smoke, snort or drink it away. I would throw myself into working and partying hard and the disorder would remain, but it wouldn't be dealt with. I just pasted over it and got on with my life. Now, I don't have that choice. The occasional spliff here and there in the evenings is the tiny thread I still hold onto. My kind of port in the storm of my own reality. It's like life is vomiting all over me, real feelings but nothing solid in place to deal with them effectively.
My mind is a great game of tricks and treats and God is not always on my agenda when I look for answers to my misery. I know He loves me, same as I know my family loves me, but that doesn’t always provide the solace to my pain. I sometimes feel set apart, like the devil has taken a liking to me and over the years I have accepted all that he offered; greed, selfishness and abuse of myself. Whilst my bible glares up at me, I have been choosing to ignore it and face the demons on my own. This I suppose, is why my success is limited to small bursts of understanding and pleasure, fleeting moments in my existence.
Today started as any other, with me rushing around to try to get simple tasks completed and failing miserably. This resulted in me screaming and crying hysterically at home alone, wondering again about the point of my life and my ability to ever return to the girl I once was. I then went to pick some stuff up from Justin and Rachel's (miracle couple of God), and in that short meeting my spirit was refuelled and lifted. I didn’t tell them of my recent misery, we just talked about other things relating to God and it is there, that I felt reconnected to my Lord again. It is there, that the black cloud of doom was penetrated and light shone in on my soul. If I could bottle that feeling, I would have a fridge full of it, ready for the dark days and demons.
This afternoon I then went to see my sister (loved this), and then to the gym for my induction with the trainer, as part of a government health referral scheme. It was surprisingly good and I enjoyed being out of my house and meeting other people. I returned, initially productive in cleaning my house, but as usual that lasted all of ten minutes before internet browsing offered a more enticing way to spend my time. The point is though, I feel much more positive as I sit here now, than I did stood here, screaming this morning. Getting out of the house and seeing my sister, being around other people and working out, all helped in part to make me feel better. However, the big shift in my depressed soul, was recognised when I was around people of God. I felt protected again, inspired and willing to face the rest of my day.
Love Always.x
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