Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the centre of your life. (Philippians 4:7 MSG)
I am forever reflecting on life, and the last two days since my entry I have built on the thoughts of dealing with my disorder and having faith in God. It occurred to me that instead of looking at this breakdown as the worst period of my life, I could look at it as my rebirth. Not just in terms of my salvation with the Lord, but in every possible area of my existence. I am currently having to relearn everything again, who I am am and what my future will hold. I could now choose to experiment and delve deeper than before possible, breaking free of routines, careers, people and places that have held me in a life that I never really felt was mine. This is my golden ticket to finally take control of my destiny and to discover who I am without the masks attached to me. Life really is too precious to waste on a pathway that is adopted out of habit and necessity rather than choice.
Instead of being negative about possibly not being able to return to work, I could choose to focus on the opportunity I get to develop my faith, my mind, my skills and my potential. I don't have to be tied down to a career to dictate how I feel about myself and my abilities to be 'successful'. I can learn the way that works for me, by dreaming, then living, discovering and experiencing what the world has to offer outside of the constraints I have put on my freedom. This is therefore a walk of faith in more ways than one, it is not only having faith in God, but also learning to have faith in me, in who I am, in what I can do and can be.
I have already battled one of the biggest demons I was living with; drug and alcohol addiction. I have so many days where I feel worthless, where I am trapped in the complexities of my own mind and where hope and happiness seem too impossible a dream to grasp. But I do give myself credit for coming off the party bus and dealing with reality full on. I am not going to lie to you, I have many days where the idea of a bag of cocaine and a bottle of vodka would be pure bliss, but I choose to say no. I 100% believe this is because I have found God and my family believes this too. So whilst I may be a beginner at the faith walk, I have already received a life line that saved me from myself. God is moving mountains for me, but I have been so blinded by the things of this world, I often miss the gems he is trying to share. I really am trying to change that, I really am trying to keep the pathway of communication open.
I was with my Dad today and we were talking about my life at the moment. I recalled that over the years I have actually had a lot of severe breakdowns, several of which have meant I have quit my jobs in the past and been off work for some time. Obviously on these times, I would still have been sedating myself from my pain by drinking/sleeping/partying etc so still never fully faced up to my disorder and what triggered the episodes. I went from manic and loving life, making lots of friends and being out all hours to crashing into depression and withdrawing from everything and everyone. It is only now, without anything to sedate myself with, that I am staring reality and my disorder in the face and realising just how much I had been hiding behind. I told my dad how I never ever want to go through this again, that this time, on this breakdown I want to recover properly and fully. I do not want to spend the rest of my existence up and down like a yo yo, getting lured back to bad habits just so I can paste a smile over my broken spirit and pretend I'm coping. This time has to be the last time I am this low, this unable to cope with simple daily tasks, this lost and afraid of life. I realise I am not every going to be like other people, my disorder, whether people believe in mental illness or not, has shaped who I am and will obviously impact who I become. This is where I can seize control and where I can start making choices that will enable me to do that. Choices that will help, not hinder my life and will ensure this period of darkness does not swoop again. Because in all honesty, I am not sure I could survive it. Twelve years of this has been enough, no more please. Please no more.
So I am left with several difficult choices to make at the moment and I am seeing advisor’s and mental health professionals next week who will hopefully aid in my decisions. I do not know if I am yet ready to return to work, if ever. I love my job, the people there and the company I work for but I currently struggle with simple basic tasks, get confused when dealing with normal situations and am easily angered and frustrated. I do not want to return and be overwhelmed so end up further distressed and tempted to cover up my pain again with sedating myself from reality. Equally I never want to not work, but if I do not sort out the issues I am facing now while work isn’t a pressure, I may never sort them and the cycle of ups and downs continues on. I am so confused! Next, I am unsure of staying on lithium. It clearly hasn’t made me better, it is a strong drug that is affecting my body and I can't have children whilst I'm on it. Obviously I am not planning on having children for a few years but when I want to, I will have to come off the lithium and that will require another period of time where I have to adjust to living in a stable way. I know that if I come off it, I won't necessarily be able to return to work any time soon but then in terms of my long term health, it would hopefully better my life. Ahhhhh I have no idea what to do! Please feel free to leave suggestions!
So to end today’s spilling of emotions, I want to refer to a part of the Bible I read earlier. It makes me think of how God is shaping me for the future He holds as my destiny. It gives me hope that sometimes we have to let certain situations/behaviours etc go so our true potential can shine: "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes, so that it will be even more fruitful" (John 15:2 NIV)
Love Always.x
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