"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life." (Psalm 119:50)
I have been busy for the last two days again, so I haven't been able to write. I will not allow myself to feel guilty about this, although I obviously do. I have learnt that guilt is an emotion that the darkness uses to keep me within its grasp and I do not want to play a part in its game. I was in spirit school Sunday evening and stayed in a hotel last night with my mum and her boyfriend; in my own room of course. So, when the feelings of guilt wash over me for not writing, I remind myself that life will sometimes get in the way and God is with me whether I am writing or not. As soon as I have arrived home, I am on here, partly because that’s the plan I feel God has for me and also because this is the most therapeutic method for me to understand my mind.
So firstly, Spirit school with Justin and Rachel (companyofburninghearts.wordpress.com) was a completely new and exciting experience. It is here that people gather to allow the holy spirit to enter the space we are in and to be closer to God than is sometimes possible in our busy day to day lives. I thoroughly enjoyed it, though noticed that my mind was less willing to participate than usual at first. In honesty, the last few weeks have been the hardest yet on my depressive bipolar episode, so the reluctance to calm my mind and spirit was expected before I arrived. I have been in a mess, a dark horrible hole and even faith has been weakened as I feel under continuous attack from the thoughts that insist on filling my head. However, as the night wore on, I felt the undeniable presence of the Lord and I sat and basked in the experience. Justins inspiring words motivated and renewed my tortured mind and as I sat eyes closed, words were spoken in my ear by another one of Gods great people. This girl is called Emma and she writes a blog call the Eden hijack, which shows her experiences as she lives in compete and utter harmony with Jesus. Her life of faith is an inspiration to me and I was captivated as she told me words from the Lord of how I was letting go of my past and becoming a new person. She whispered many words that my spirit soaked up and told me I had been singled out/set apart and that I was very aware of the spirit world and she wished for me to continue to grow in this. This was the highlight of my night. Emma does not know who I am, neither does she know the experiences I am going through or the past I have been trying to leave, so her words brought great comfort to me. It is her words that cemented my belief again, in the God that I know loves me and has a plan for me, so great, that I still get a whir of excitement as I think of it. I left that night, after meeting some amazing new people and reconnecting with the old, feeling like I really was following the path I was meant to be on.
The hotel last night was a surprise, some of my mums friends work clients had been unable to make it down, so we were given the rooms in a beautiful 5* hotel. The room was the most magnificent I have ever seen and I indulged in room service (on my mum), a long relaxing bath and some quality time with my mum. Today I made use of their spa facilities and on my own I swam in the pool, relaxed in the Jacuzzi and the sauna and watched the sun dapple the water outside of this dreamy location. The time I spent alone, I needed. It is here that I felt that I was recharging, reconnecting and breaking away from the patterns I had developed. My mum, so patient with me, made sure that I came even though I initially wanted to stay at home alone. I am glad I went, because it reminded me that I am capable of happiness still and I am still able to enjoy rather than be used to, my own company.
The remainder of today I have been with my sister and nephews. I have just returned home from food shopping with her as she has helped me write out a meal plan to stop me eating takeaways, which is dramatically increasing my weight and reducing my money to survive on. I am relearning every day, new ways to live a life drug and work free. I have had to slow down, no, I have halted completely on my walkway of life and I am starting again. My mum pointed out this morning as I shoved the fourth plate of breakfast in my mouth, that in food, I had found another way to punish myself. I no longer self harm, throw up, drink excessively, party too much, work too hard and the non physical abuse part, I can't live without. If I am not engaging in self abusive patterns, I do not know how to cope. There is no one else to punish me, I have to do it myself.
I am not well. Mentally I am in pieces. I am a broken version of a woman and this pain is engulfing me. I am often suicidal, I am overwhelmed by the smallest tasks and I am disgusted with who I am and what I have become. Without the masks to hide behind, I am just me and I hate this person. I am surviving, but I am not living. I am sorry to be so sombre, but I am frustrated and exhausted with my every day existence. I did not realise that reality is so brutal, that’s why at the slightest hint of it, I would run to drugs/drink/work etc to escape. This is a bigger wall than I ever could have imagined and in all honesty, if someone had told me it would be this hard to live as who I am, then I doubt I would have given all the vices up. It seems I am more of a coward than I claim to be, I am scared, hurt, angry, confused and most of all, I am fed up with being me.
What do I do? I have breathtaking moments with God, but the rest of my life seems to get in the way. I know that is almost the idea of this journey, that I leave the worries and cares of the flesh behind, but why am I struggling so much? I want to live the destiny I know He has for me. I want to walk in glory and rid myself of the physical and mental torture I inflict on myself day after day. I want a chance to be happy, truly happy and not to find every single task overwhelming. I do not know how I can cope another day in this mind, in this world. God please help me. Please, please, help me.
Love Always.x
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