Prayers Answered

The kingdom of God is within you. (Luke 17:21)

 

My sister read my last blog post and advised me that it depressed her! Nothing like the brutal honesty of a family member to get you thinking, is there! But seriously, for those of you who do read my blog, I am aware that many of my entries have been quite dark and some have been down right miserable. On days when I choose to reflect over the past entries myself, I am sometimes saddened by the emotions I am unloading onto the screen. However, I did promise to always be honest and that means that my mental state is going to be bared to all, no matter what. I do not intend to promote inadequacy, but equally I want to remain true to this journey and that does mean I can't hide behind a mask anymore. I hope it doesn’t deter you from reading, but that it will only show how a darkened mind can be truly lit when only truth is used as a weapon. I always pray for healing, but I understand that the Lord is working His majestic grace through the challenges I face. I continue to do my end of the bargain and record exactly what they are. Ups and downs, pain and pleasure, but regardless of the bleakness I may sometimes seem to show, the light of the Lord has never yet ceased to uplift and amaze me.

In reference to prayers and the light of the Lord, my prayer/desperate plea on here the other night was answered immediately. Oh how glorious it is to be a child of God and to be uplifted into places you can only dream of. Time it would appear, is of no implication to receiving Gods help. In my case, the minute I exited this blog and entered facebook, He had worked his magic. My best friend from teenage years and the one I refer to as my angel (on previous blog) was online and we haven’t chatted in months! She lives in Peru and the chances of us both being on at the same time are very rare, which made the experience even more enlightening. She told me she had a dream about me the night before where I had a five year old son. It was even weirder as I too had a dream I had a son and daughter the night before. I do not actually know the significance of the dreams, but I do that the chance meeting we had, restored my weary soul and caused me to thank the heavens for moving again to bless me.

The prayer was answered further when yesterday morning I awoke for the first time in weeks, with a positive aura surrounding me. I am not a morning person so rarely wake happy and my mum was also surprised to hear her usually bad tempered daughter, cheery on the phone. Before bed that night, I had also asked the Lord to help give me the motivation and determination to tackle my house, which has began to represent a sloth’s den and was further adding to my depression. I know that this may seem a silly request but it was heartfelt and pleading. So to my delight, I now sit in a house that has been rid of its ever building debris. Yesterday I organised, sorted and filed like never before with a determined mind and above all a happy disposition. My wonderful Lord was in my heart from the moment I made my first plea to Him. He gave me strength and focus where there was none and He seemed to move closer to me than He ever has before. These seemingly trivial actions sparked off a new thirst in me because I realised yesterday that I am never alone. I may be in pain, I may be surrounded by darkness but within me there is a light that carries me on. I am in awe of His presence, I can feel the flutter of love envelop me once again and I am renewed to face another day.

God exists. He has been my rock, but I have been refusing to let Him in of late. I didn't realise it, but I had closed my eyes and my heart to the light and had also stopped reading the Bible, stopped having real moments with Him. I can't tell you why, maybe its old habits, maybe its fear or maybe its just damn right laziness on my part. But do you know what, He didn’t forget about me. I only had to ask for His help and he gave it, He loved me and He carried me. I can not actually put into words how much He has wowed me in the last two days. I was so broken, so hurt and so lost, but He just reminded me that this is the journey. Yes, I have to go through these trials because they are part of my destiny, but I must never forget that He is with me every step. I can call to Him, I can sit with Him and I can learn from Him if only I would take off the doubting, non trusting part of my character and replace it with the love and trust that He is willing me to learn and enjoy.

Last night, I had one of my close friends over and we had a lovely home cooked meal together and caught up on how we'd both been doing. He is a man whom I have the utmost respect for and find both his loving heart and his unbelievably high intelligence, a joy to be around. I was able to talk with Him last night about my faith in God and about his complete faith in science. He does not believe in God at all and was pleasantly surprised to find out that I do, and had been reading my blog and watching this journey develop. We talked about his opinions and mine, which was extremely enjoyable because they differ so much. Mark could answer any question I posed to him with a scientific mind and the one issue came up which was that my belief was based on faith, rather than actual proof. That’s the funny thing with science isn’t it, there must be proof and miracles of God can seem to be explained away with many scientific explanations. Before, these discussions may have made me doubt the validity of my Lord but last night that never crept in. I do believe, proof or no proof as I have said before. I just know it to be true. Even if I discounted all of the millions of people who also believe and the many miracles that have happened, I have had personal experiences with the Lord which have touched the very core of my being. Science is tried and tested theories, but the feeling, the knowing that you get when you realise that God made you and is with you, that can't be explained away. It is miraculous and it is an innate knowing that this was always what I was looking for.

I had my prayers answered, I have also started reading the Bible again and I have started thinking once more of the road that lays ahead. Is life just an obstacle course, a race to the finish line, a blot on eternity's tale? Or is the reason we are always seeking something more because we were always intended to find the answer to our existence? I know that for me, I had been living on a obstacle course and now I am living on faith. It doesn’t always make the journey easier, but I know I am never really alone, no matter how dark it looks. In this quest I must learn to keep in mind the truth. Not as someone else dictates it to me, not how man portrays it to others, but in how I find it to be myself. I feel closer now than I have ever felt and call it faith, call it ignorance, I don't mind, because I know the truth and it sits within me, giving me strength, giving me light and giving me a purpose. Love and truth will always prevail in the end.

Love Always.x