And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28 NIV)
So, whilst doing some Christmas shopping with my lovely boyfriend on the weekend I felt compelled to go into a book store and found a book called 'Finding Sanctuary.' A book based on a reality TV series about people who went to spend time living in a monastery and ways to bring these principles into every day life. So I bought it and have started reading it today, with great success. Again I feel God had guided me to this book store to find this book as it has helped to answer some of the many questions I had around the prayer subject.
The most important part of wanting to listen to God was for me to be sure that it is his voice I am actually hearing and to learn to discern this when I am feeling low. The demons in my mind can sometimes play tricks on me and I wanted to make sure that this was not happening when I feel I am getting divine encounters. The main key to doing this according to the book is by first finding silent time in each day........actual silence. I am not scared of silence, so long as I can be filling my head with the knowledge from a book or documentary but actual silence does intimidate me a lot. It creates an open gap for my mind to freely dislodge all its rather irritating and negative thought patterns and I prefer not to indulge in this more than absolute necessary. So maybe silence does scare me. Until, I read that this can be started off with 5 minutes a day and can be practised whilst reading out a part of scripture in my mind, over and over so that my mind can at least have a focus, a positive one. So this I shall be trying to engage over the next few days. Just 5 minutes in the morning and 5 in the evening, focusing on a particular short scripture and listening for God to speak back. I will be waiting and ready as I feel I always am trying to be at the moment, for that inner still voice that I know could only be His.
I realise that I may write many disheartened blog entries, but this is my diary and I do aim to be honest so this is why sometimes everything seems so sour, because I genuinely feel it. But I have become acutely aware this weekend of the subtle changes that have been made within me over the past few months. Mainly in recent days I have noticed how whenever I can I return my focus to God, claiming I love him and Him me with an everlasting love. I find myself doing it whilst even sat in traffic, a gentle reminder that I can step out of the constraints of the natural world and engage in heavenly activity wherever I happen to be. I can choose at any time to be stressed, which in all honestly, at present, often wins, but whenever I can I consciously choose to turn my focus to Jesus and think about him instead. This is new for me. Usually I seem to engage for as long as possible in the dwelling place of anger and paranoia but I am learning that focusing on Him alleviates that pain somewhat and I not only feel calmer, but I genuinely feel I have been in His presence, well, because I have. Its small steps but its making an affect that no counsellors or other medical teams have yet been successful at implementing. No other mindfulness tricks and tips have seemed to work in the past but focusing on God does seem to do that, its amazing really. Focusing on his goodness, by default increases the feeling of my own.
Another point that was made in the book was about the contemplative and meditative act of reading, not just of the bible but of other relevant books. I definately agree with this one. For me personally at least, I feel that God speaks to me through the books I choose to read, I am engaged with the word, seeking wisdom on Him and often am privileged to enter then into contemplative prayer where I have conversations with Him about the points that seem to jump off the page and into my heart. I had began to think that all my reading was detracting attention away from focusing on him, but it is the stage I am at and I feel that God directs me to certain books to help aid me at this point of my journey and I love that. As time goes on, the silence, the focused prayer and learning to listen to him more intently will come, but to give myself credit, I am learning a lot and feel that the books he leads me to are the way He wants me to be engaging with him at present.
As my journey continues on, I find myself not only getting to know God better, but also getting to know who I am better as well. I didn’t originally think that this was possible. In the beginning I was concerned that I would lose myself and become some sort of mindless clone, following a book that told people to behave in a way that denied them freedom of expression but the exact opposite is happening. Somehow, through getting closer to God, the real me is having the confidence to emerge and the framework that the dedicated reading and study time is providing, is helping me to embrace who I am more so than ever before. I am strangely becoming who I always knew I was, but was too scared to really be. By finding faith, I have found my original self, no masks, no games, just me, the way I was created to be. It is why the journey is so hard, its uncharted territory for me, but it is an amazing pathway and although I am aware that the strength of the demons seem to grow in their desperation to keep me away from the truth, so does my desire to conquer them. I am growing beyond the boundaries that life on this earth tells us we need to be kept behind and searching out the path less travelled in my own wilderness. Its a choice I make every day and its a decision that I never really knew would lead me right back to where I was when I was first born, the real, unique human that is me. Onwards I go!
Love Always.x
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