Confusion Or Growth?

 "For God is not the author of confusion but of peace ... "(1 Corinthians 14:33 NKJV)

I am currently reading 'The Purpose Driven Life' by Rick Warren, a book that requires you read a new chapter each day, bringing you closer to understanding who God is and His purpose for your life. I am enjoying the book and have been committed aside from the past two days, to following his every day reading advice. The last three days my boyfriend has been home, and I have been basking in the delight of his presence, so have chosen to make my focus him, rather than the growth in the other areas of my life. But, he has now gone out to see his family so I picked the book up again, feeling the need for some guidance and read the chapter on being transformed by our troubles. In a nutshell, its about how God uses our suffering to build our characters so we can be transformed more into the likeness of Christ and it certainly rang true with me.

The last few days since finishing the glory school DVD's, I have been confused and distracted. I feel like a body just walking around, not really engaging with life, just watching it happening it around me. Whilst I have loved every moment spent with my amazing and supportive boyfriend, I still felt like there was a hole in me, something missing. It doesn’t make any sense. Life, compared to how I lived it before, is finally starting to sort itself out. My dad, who like the rest of my family, provides unlimited support and love for me, came down and helped me this weekend to sort out the financial mess I had managed to dig myself into. Whilst I am happy to finally be getting back on track with the realities of this world, I can't help the niggling feeling that never goes away. It tells me on and on that I am not of this world, that these earthly things no matter how much organisation and success I give to them, will never make me truly happy. Its not a new thought, I've had it all my life. Its like being born on the wrong planet, no matter how many ways I learn to fit in, inside I know its all just make believe. I am never meant to fit in.

Finding God, or Him finding me, has dulled this feeling somewhat in most recent days. I find that in His words, in the books I read about Him and on my encounters with Him, I finally feel like I belong to a world that isn’t made up of striving and disguises. But here on earth, I have to attempt to live between the two worlds of current reality and ultimate truth. The best part of this world I can physically see, is my beautiful family and boyfriend, and that’s what keeps me fighting to hold my head above water, to not suffocate under the immense pressure I feel the moment I open my eyes to when they shut at the end of the day. I am unsure of how I can continue on sometimes, as if the next breath is finally going to cause my chest to cave in and I will no longer be able to cope with the reality of the life that surrounds me, the life that is me.

Its difficult for me to explain myself today. I feel out of sorts, a mess sprawled on the canvas of life, waiting for an answer that still seems to elude me. Some days I positively glow, feeling I have finally found the answer, like I was never meant to understand myself until now. But now I am beginning to find out who I am, its scaring me, I don’t know this girl, I forgot about her and she is much more vulnerable than the masked me. I could cry with confusion and doubt but the tears have dried, no more emotions seem to be able to be released from their pouring. I am left almost paralysed by my current state of mind, angst, anxiety and a lethal dose of depression that wont shift.

I try to focus on the chapter of the book, that the pain and suffering is merely character growth, but its nigh on impossible when growth feels like grip. The icy grip of worry that will not leave me alone and waits to prey on me the minute I shift my entire focus from the Lord. Its like staring at the sun then looking back and being blinded for several minutes, only those minutes have turned into years for me. I want the sun more, but the goodness it promises and delivers is so foreign I almost crave the dark inner recesses of my mind to comfort me again. Its a game of good and evil and today I know which one is winning.

My mind has to focus on something more positive than my current situation so I will try with all my might to look at the reason I am apparently enduring this suffering. If Jesus could go through it all, then so can I. Its about shifting my mind from pain to passion, from hurt to hope and remembering that if He can do it, if anyone can do it, then so can I. Its not enough for me to read the words and study the message if I can't apply it in real life, so here goes. For the rest of tonight I am making a conscious decision to let only good invade, I hope it works. I pray that it does and I believe in what I pray. I have to.

Love Always.x