“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.” (Revelation 3:20).
Being off work dealing with another one of my depressive cycles, has turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I am actually healing this time and not in any way how I thought I would be. And yes, I do think my faith has a huge part to play in these changes and for that I am forever grateful.
One of the hardest things about being Bipolar is having to deal with the two different women who seem to live inside of me at any given time. It has been so long since the real me has been on the scene, that I almost completely forgot she existed. If I wasn’t throwing myself into work, I was throwing alcohol down my throat or drugs up my nose. Sorry to be blunt, but that is the truth of it. Effectively, I was living in a state of permanent sedation, from me, from the world and from God.
If you had told me just over 2 months ago that I would be off drugs and alcohol (with the occasion of a small spliff here and there), and that I would be turning my life to God, I would have laughed you out of the room. In fact, I probably would of felt quite sorry for you and immediately informed you that not even God could help me out of my mess. HOW WRONG I WAS!
After the initial experience of feeling the pure love of God caressing me in that garden, something in me changed. It then propelled me to do the full confession and admit my sins, while sat at this computer, and ask for his forgiveness. To be honest, I had nowhere else to go and I felt like he had offered me an olive branch which I'd be stupid not to take. I welcomed Jesus into my heart and asked for his help for me to follow him for the rest of my life. In fact, below is the exact words I said, which were from the site allaboutgod.com:
“Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.”
Now, I am quite a dramatic individual at times, so to be honest I was expecting something quite dramatic to happen. Maybe an appearance of Jesus, I would even settle for a small fragment of the burning bush, but no, literally nothing happened. I therefore said the words again, with all the meaning I could muster, but still to no success. I decided that this was maybe too expectant of me, so I went to bed, pleased that I had at least shown that I was willing to stand up and admit where I had gone wrong and hoped that he would hear me. That he would forgive me and that my life as I knew it was over.
The next day I did feel positive on rising and where I would usually scream at my boyfriend for the slightest minor issue, I decided to be passive. That unfortunately, only lasted till lunch. I then turned back into the two headed witch and screamed and cried and generally felt the horrific affects of full blown depression. I decided that I had not been saved, that I was actually too rotten an apple to help and I felt very sorry for myself. I was frustrated, expecting all of my pain to be removed, only to find that fiery bowl of anger was still there. The good thing though, was that this time I did not seek answers in the bottom of a spirit bottle, this time, I just rode it out.
A few weeks has passed since that day and though I have had no revelation and God has not come down and physically shook my hand, I have changed. That ball of pain and anger is still often there, but it is less likely to spit out at anyone or to burn inwardly and erupt inside of me. My worries are still there, but rather than letting them engulf me and occupy my every waking thought, I acknowledge them and let them pass. My family and I are now closer than we've ever been. Part of that is due to me being available and not drunk/high/working too much, but also I am just a nicer person to be around. I understand the importance of being close to my family, to showing them how much I love them and also thanking them for their unbelievable patience with me.
I have only just started out on the path to greater glory, I have literally just been born (again). My life has taken on a new purpose and this time, I am excited about the journey as well as the destination. Accepting God into my life and Jesus as my saviour, I really have been saved. Now that, beats a burning bush any day!
Love Always.x
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