Day by Day

“Be strong. Take courage. Don’t be intimidated. Don’t give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down; he won’t leave you.”(Deuteronomy 31:6 The Message)

Day four of the TV fast and I am still going strong. I have allowed myself to watch a couple of DVD's that are not God focused, but the TV has remained off the radar. I am surprised at how easy it was to give it up initially, but as the days have gone on my desire for mindless watching of other peoples lives is getting stronger. The hardest is not watching my favourite chat show with my cup of tea and breakfast in the morning. Instead I have been watching 'The Glory School' DVDs, which has been a good alternative and has set me up for the day ahead. I have also reread Patricia Kings book 'The Spiritual Revolution', carefully reading it out aloud and meditating on the scripture references she uses throughout. This, I particularly enjoyed and have found that meditating on scripture for long enough causes a great peace to abide in me and I feel a stronger connection with God beginning to piece itself together again. In all the spare time I have had without the TV I have also managed to keep my house tidy and get in some exercise. I think I am going to continue my fast for next week as well, it is proving a useful tool in not only getting me to focus more on the Lord, but for getting some element of useful routine within my day. As my boyfriend returns home this weekend, the fast will be off for these two days and I will be interested to see the difference this has on my routine.

This morning I read Patricia Kings Decree booklet, declaring the truth of who I am in Christ out into the open. According to her, words have life and the decreeing of who I am will strengthen my spirit man and allow me to learn to live from my spirit rather than my soul. A lesson I desperately need to learn. I am still hounded by the addictive nature of my personality and my desperation for numbness to the pain that is inside of me. So whilst I have been successful in fasting from TV, I have not been so successful in calming my bad habits. I smoked a spliff on Tuesday night and eat enough to feed a small army and last night I took (several more than recommended) my sedatives mixed with a few glasses of mulled wine to create a similar effect to that of a sedated slug. It worked and I lay back and eased into restfulness as my mind began to slow. It would appear that the battle is not yet over, but I am being realistic, I have given more fight this week to the demons of my depression than I have in many months. I may be going off the rails in some areas, but I still went to sleep listening to a God CD and I still maintain prayer and study with Him during the day. One step at a time, I will not allow myself to ruin another week just because I am not yet perfect in all areas.

I have noticed that I tend to do my life and routines in a week by week basis. If I fail to exercise or pray for long enough on Monday then I count out the rest of the week and insist I will start again the following. I then spend the following six days living completely out of my carnal nature, watching too much TV, absorbing myself in my negative internal dialogue and generally being a miserable moo. This week however, has been completely different. I have learnt to take life day by day and not allow one bad mistake to poison the remainder of the week. Although I have still used drugs and alcohol, my days in most part were spent getting closer to God and bringing in healthy adjustments to my lifestyle. This is a massive improvement on the last few months so I am trying to remain optimistic about the situation. If I don't do so well one day, I try to remind God and myself at the end of the day, of the small things I may have achieved. At this stage of my depression, those small things could be brushing my teeth, washing the dishes or writing on here. All the little things count and I am slowly learning not to put so much pressure on myself to be perfect in all areas all at once. A little at a time and slowly but surely I will get there.

I have strangely noticed the annoying little voice of disbelief enter me also this week. The demons that are attached to me are not liking the new more positive Rebecca and are insistent on weakening my faith. Fortunately I have a voice like a fog horn, so when the thoughts of disbelief enter as I am reading, I merely shout louder and force myself to concentrate on the words and not the thoughts influenced by Satan’s army. I have fed the demons of my mind for far too long and I am now ready to make them starve. If I refuse to allow the thoughts to keep me in chains, then I too will break free of the negative patterns I have developed over the years. This is no easy task, its taken a lot of time and effort to hate myself this much but I am amazed by Gods love for me and want to show that I can and will make changes to the sickness of my mind. Only I can do that and only if I fully trust and am guided by the Lord.

In summary then I suppose, what threatened to be the weeks that took my life away, I have actually been refreshed, renewed and given a focus again. God has kept to his promise to take me from glory to glory and He has once again responded to my call for help. I am almost certain that this will not be the last time the demons from within threaten to destroy me, but I am learning with each pitfall, there is much strength and lessons to be gained. I am building up my inner spirit man so that one day I too will be able to feel the true and beautiful love that the Father so kindly chooses to share with me. Onwards and upwards.

Love Always.x