Now the Journey Has Begun

"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." (Psalm 25:5 NIV)

I can't believe its been two weeks since I last wrote on here, the time seems to have flown by and the lessons have been coming thick and fast. I'm pleased to say I am in a much more positive place than I was a couple of weeks ago and this is both in part to my following Gods lead and also being more proactive in my actual life. Things slowly but surely seem to be sorting themselves out and I no longer always feels like I am suffocating in my own existence. I have even started exercising more and eating healthier meals, so not only am I doing good spiritual work, but the physical part of me is being positively affected as well. Its about time I started to look after my life a bit better, and although the steps are still small and I am not yet able to go a whole day without sedating myself in the evenings, I am moving forwards, so this is good.

Choosing to allow God a place in both my heart and life was by far the best possible choice I could have made. I allowed myself the other day to think about what my life would be like had I not been brought down to my knees and finally asked Him to help me. It was not a positive thought, in fact, I genuinely believe that without Gods intervention, I would not be here at all. Although the journey is by no means an easy one, it continues to surprise and delight me with every revelation that I get. God is shaping me into who I was always meant to be. Along the years I picked up lots of bad habits, listened to a lot of Satan’s lies and tried my hardest to be as far removed from the real me as humanly possible. I did whatever I could to fit in, to be liked and the real me soon disappeared off the radar, somewhere in the back of my mind, never to be found again. Well, God had news for me. He is not in the slightest bit interested in the pretend me, the character I developed to cope with life, the slave to Satan’s demons of depression, addiction and obsession. God wants to see me, the real me and He has been doing a lot of work to make sure this process is completed.

Its no surprise that after a few years you begin to believe the dark thoughts you have about yourself really are true, the paranoia about people hating you, the continuous fear that your not good enough. These thoughts then create a foundation of which you build a life, not one to merely enjoy for every beautiful moment, but one that simply enables you to cope, to survive. I have been surviving for as long as I can remember and had grown accustomed to the fact that the things about me I hated so much, such as the addiction and the negative mindset prone to depression, were actually me. But I am learning, that this in fact is wrong. I am not the coping mechanisms I have picked up along the way, neither am I the disgusting worthless being I felt forced to live within each day. Yes, there are parts of me that are not great, I have a lustful nature (which he has shown to me and worked out with me) and many other traits that I have picked up along the way that are less than ideal. However, God is teaching me that these are not who I really am, these are merely clip ons that have been added as a way of protection, sometimes as a way of succeeding and many as ways of coping. But they are not me and I am not them. This revelation has freed me beyond belief from the fear that at my core I really am evil, useless and worthless. He is making room for the real me to come out and slowly, the clipped on bits that I added over the years are being brought out of my subconscious and into my reality for me to see them for what they really are: lies and deception intent on destroying me.

The way God is working within me is nothing short of a miracle. Yes, the process is uncomfortable, there are things about me that have not been good and I am having to deal with them and what they have produced in my life, while also learning that as they are not who I truly am, I can now choose to let them go. This in itself is exhaustive work but its benefits are unbelievable. God is teaching me to see me, how He intended me to be, when I was nothing more than a thought in His head. That girl is not depressed, she isn't paranoid, she doesn't hate herself and fear the opinions of man more than the love of God. That girl who for so many years was covered up and hidden away is finally finding her voice again and its all because Gods amazing powers of love and understanding are supporting me along the way. This time the foundations I am building my life on are based on truth not the enemy’s lies. The truth that I am loved, just because I am me, the truth that I am good and loving and blessed, because I am His daughter. This time, the foundations are not about survival, they are about life, living it truly and well and enjoying the opportunity God has given me....existence within the realm of time.

I know the process is far from over and I have many more demons and attitudes to face up to and let go of, but I can now honestly say that the real journey has begun. The last two weeks God has started work within me that will continue for the rest of my life and that is something only He could possibly have achieved. To my amazing Papa, my Father in Heaven, thank you for the opportunity to get to know you and in turn to find the real me. I love you with all my heart, mind and soul.

Love Always.x