New Year, New Hope

"If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me.  I will be found by you," says the Lord."  (Jeremiah 29:13-14 NLT)

Christmas was wonderful this year. One of the best I have had in many years and in part I believe this was down to my fresh new sobriety at the start of the day. No hangover, no comedown from drugs, I was able to fully appreciate the beauty of being around the people I love and enjoyed every minute of it. I thanked God for the grace He has given me in such a beautiful family and boyfriend and for the first time in years, was able to appreciate the simple act of being together with the ones I love to share in the spirit of Christmas. I cant really believe its all over now, it seems so much to prepare for and all over in a day, but my stress levels have been amazingly low and I have truly benefited from the presence of God during this time.

As its Christmas, my boyfriend is now home for a few weeks so I am also enjoying the time with Him although I had to ask for some 'alone time' today as have felt that I haven’t had much time with God since he has been home. By this, I mean I am used to it just being me, God, my books etc. and I needed to go back to that to get my grounding again. I genuinely miss God now when I don’t get to be around Him in our own private little pow-wow sessions, where we communicate when I am alone in the house. I know His presence is with me wherever I go but I find it easier to feel it and be aware of its beauty when I am alone, so I desperately wanted the time to read some of my new books and just get back to me and my Lord. My wish has been granted and I am now alone, after spending the last few hours reading and speaking with Him, I now felt compelled to write again. One of my main forms of communication between Him and I.

Earlier today I was over my mums enjoying a coffee and we were mulling over the past year and anticipating what the year ahead will hold. My mum and I both want to 'give back' next year through volunteering and we discussed the importance not of career progression, but as my mum puts it, 'seeing the tree's,' the simple beauty of life around you. So it got me thinking about the new year and what else I want to see happen over the coming twelve months, a plan that I usually write out months in advance! Along with the usual save money, lose weight and be more organised, there is a dominant goal that I want to pursue, this year and all the rest of them: To grow more intimate and get to know better my beautiful Lord, Jesus. This is the main one for me, the rest are ones I can plan into my days as the year goes on, but my primary aim is to build on the relationship that has begun to be established between God and I.

I already feel that I have come so close over the past several months and feel that next year is going to be a hugely transformational year for me. God is putting in new desires straight to my heart and I can see the beginning steps of these unfolding as I look at what the next couple of months will be like. Having a deeper and closer relationship with God will undoubtedly cause the other areas in my life that need to change, to shape as the year goes on and those that I have thought were important before will soon fall off the radar. I can feel that shape is a huge word for my next year, He is going to be moulding me for His kingdom and what He intends for me to fulfil on this earth and I eagerly await what this revelation will entail.

As I look back and reflect on the last year, especially after a period of relapsing into the past habits that used to control my life, I am thankful above all that I am sat here today and that I have found God in amidst the darkness of my existence. I was so lost when I started writing this blog, doubtful about my future and unsure if I'd ever really be found. I started my last year in the throes of extreme drug addiction, in a job I loved but a life I hated. I blocked out everything and internalised the hurt and pain I had been dealing with so they made me ill and eventually formed a breakdown that caused my world to stop spinning. In the middle of this attack on my mind, a light was shone in a garden of friends and I was rescued from the pit that I felt would surely engulf me for good. I may have days where the light seems to disappear entirely, I may have relapses where the old me refuses to let go, but I am a different person to the girl that I was twelve months ago. I am closer to my family, cherish the friends and boyfriend I have, am finding out who I really am and finally have found the source that answers all of my questions and beyond that, all of my dreams. I know the next year will have many struggles, after all I am working on the renewal of my mind, no easy task for anyone. But this year I have a new weapon, I have faith and above all that is what has saved me and that is what will allow me to live a life that before I could only dream of. God is good, He loves me and my greatest accomplishment this year was finding Him. From that fountain of hope and love, my life has finally become my own again and I am fighting back against the demons that threatened to destroy me. Thank you Lord, thank you.

Love Always.x