Old Self Goes

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6  NIV 

Every day I must make a conscious decision to die to my old self and live as Jesus did, by his example, with the teachings He left for us to understand and embrace. This is by no means an easy task, especially as a new believer still unaware of exactly all the attributes that encompass his character. But, saying that, I have at least a basic grasp that love, peace, joy, patience and kindness are amongst the most important character shaping traits that I am expected to choose to operate in, rather than their opposite. This may seem easy enough, but that’s why things are sent to test us, so we can choose to look at them as He would have, rather than the nature of our old self. It is a transformation that bears the fruit of the spirit and it is a life long learning experience, one mountain that I still feel like base camp is my current and seemingly permanent destination.

In recent months anxiety and depression have prevented this journey being an easy one, or a remotely bearable one. My past, my present and my future worries have culminated in me feeling under permanent attack and unsure of which way to turn and which road to take. I am however, learning, each day brings with it a new set of challenges but I find myself rising to them like never before. Yes, some days Ill admit I feel like I am drowning in a sea of endless hopelessness, but in these moments I am learning to focus on the face of my Lord like never before. It takes practice, but when I can, and the anxiety threatens to eat away at another portion of my existence, I focus on His face and remind myself that there is no anxiety in heaven and neither therefore does there really exist any in my new self. Its all about focus. The shift from pain to passion, from fear to hope and ultimately, from me to Him. The good news is, when I can muster up the strength to do this, it does actually work and I am lifted from the pain of the present into the realms of His heavenly presence and it is here I find an unknown source of strength that helps me through another hour.

This journey has surprised me at every step. Its almost a contradiction in terms that at the same time that I am experiencing pain and confusion, clarity is seeping through my mind and threading back the breakage between my spirit and soul, uniting them so each can understand the other and how it works. The ultimate goal is a union of all three parts of me, the spirit, soul and body connection that I have no doubt will come as I work towards an image of greater glory and Christ-likeness in me. I am learning so much each day, that I am probably unaware of the changes that the outside world see happening to the girl that once only struggled to survive, not really understanding the key to what the world would entail. Having faith in God has provided that key, but it comes at a cost. It means saying goodbye to the old self and welcoming in the new, the improved, the more peaceful and I guess, really, the image and likeness of Christ.

I agree that I can be an individual still, I feel it more so now than I ever felt it when I didn’t have God as my focus. Its strange that the closer I get to him, the more I feel like me, and I cant really tell you why. I guess in  part its ridding myself of the baggage that comes with living a life that you know is only there to get you to escape from life. To throw yourself into working and partying may serve to remind you that you are alive but it doesn’t exactly mean you are living, existing seems to be the real benefit here and it came at a cost to both my health and my family, amongst many other factors already discussed before. I am in such a transitional period, that its hard to keep an open mind and reflective stance on exactly how many changes are being made, but I do see some definite ones that deserve attention. My main one being my absolute faith and trust that there is a God, that He did make me and He does love me exactly as I am, no matter what I may have done or sometimes continue to do. I believe in Jesus, the son of God coming to die to save us and the cross and resurrection being the gateway to a new life. I also am desperate for a relationship with Him and find time every day through prayer or reading to dedicate time to this aim. This in itself is a complete contrast to my prior life. Added to that I am so curious about who Jesus was and still remains to be and know for sure that my life is now forever dedicated to finding out that answer. The other changes may not seem so obvious to me at present but I know from other people, that my behaviour has also changed, I may be anxious but there is a peace that seems to surround me, its the  presence of Him.

I didn’t know what to expect when I started out on this journey and I still am unsure of what my future holds. What career will I have, what will my relationships be like, where will I go and who will I be are all questions that haunt me accusingly every day. Its not that I never thought about them before, but the changes I am making now seem to directly impact what the answer to those will be and I am almost desperate to be told in advance about what the rest of this new life will entail and if it indeed will be a happy one.  To be honest, of that query I am almost sure of the answer. This path more than any other I have turned onto before, is the one that makes me believe in the happy ever after that we all so desperately crave. This journey is about just that, the journey and that’s what makes it so exciting, so transforming. Its one that never ends, there is always more to know, more to experience, more to learn, to love, to feel. This has turned out to be the most difficult, confusing and scary choice I have ever made but I am never in any doubt that its the right one. It did more than save me, it gave me life again, it gave me hope and above all, it gave me back the me that I lost all those years ago. I look towards the future with an expectant heart but know that the darkness will inevitably continue to be there for me to face. This time though, I come with the weapons needed to handle it. Onwards I go.

Love Always.x