"And to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness" (2 Peter 1:6 NIV)
I think sometimes I can be too hard on myself. I am aware that I am striving and I know that is not something God advocates, it is just something built over time within me that tells me I'm not good enough. The problem I have is that instead of enjoying each step of this journey and taking the time to appreciate each new insight, I am rushing onto the next because I am desperate to be filled with more knowledge. Now in theory, there is nothing wrong with being thirsty for God, which I am, but when I cant sit back and appreciate each day the new insights gained from the reading of the many books/Bible/DVDs, then I am robbing myself of the pleasure part of this journey which seems bizarre.
I love love love finding out more about God, Jesus, the Kingdom etc. but my issue is that I want to know it all now, only 7 months into my faith journey. I worry that I don’t know enough and I’m getting it wrong so I am endlessly reading and listening to everything possible to deepen my full understanding of what it means to be a true 'Christian.' Its a vicious circle, so instead of being thankful for the amazing book and new revelations I have just read, I am concerned that there are more areas I do not yet understand so don’t allow myself to marvel in the already amazing lessons I have picked up along the way. Its a bad habit that I know being an avid book reader over the years, has not helped to suppress. Now, I am not saying I want to stop reading or even change the pace of it, I just need to stop the voice in my head that says, 'this is such a tiny step, you'll never fully understand God and your a disappointment to him for your lack of full understanding.' Whilst talking to God and washing the dishes earlier, I realised he wants me to enjoy each small step of this journey too. Every little move in understanding can and should be celebrated, not brushed to the side as a small nothing. I am on a journey of new life and that doesn’t need to be rushed, but enjoyed for each seemingly small yet beautiful discovery. I may not know as much as someone who has been learning about God for many years but that doesn’t make me any less of a believer, I am just at a different stage of my journey and need to learn to be able to appreciate that. Its not a competition of who knows most, plus we all have different purposes in God so my path will likely lead me to different places of understanding than others and that’s good because it would be boring if we were all the same.
It all comes down to renewing my mind and learning to listen to Gods voice, those still small thoughts that I am now growing used to hearing, If he isn’t putting pressure on me to know and learn more than the pace at which I am already learning then why do I need to punish myself? I don’t and will make a concerted effort to stop. I think its also important that I take time each week to reflect on how far I have actually come, to read back over my past entries and to see the growth because it is easy to forget who I was when I started out on this journey. I have come a long way and its important that I review and remember just how far I have come and how much I have grown.
Instead of beating myself up because I am scared I do not know enough, I want to start remembering how much I didn’t know and how much my eyes have now been opened to the truth. I know there is still a long way to go, after all this journey will last a life time so there is no rush. I can continue to be thirsty for the word, for God and for knowledge, but also take time to let the words sink in, to bask in his presence and to remember that each small step gets me a little bit closer to that kingdom that I dream about every single day.
Love Always.x
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