Suicidal Thoughts

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10 NIV)

I can only begin to describe the last few weeks as a return to the personal hell that I seem to have been living most of my life. This game of hope followed by total destruction has finally exhausted me and I am now again under the care of the mental health crisis team. I am no longer engaging in any activity that does not consist of self abuse, be it binge eating, destroying mental thoughts, alcohol and drugs and my life has shattered around me in an almighty mess. I am back to where I began all those months ago, struggling to keep the demons of suicide from winning once and for all. As I have promised to be honest throughout this journey, I see no point in creating an illusion that I am coping. Quite simply life has got the better of me and I no longer wish to be a part of it. I am plagued daily by thoughts of hate and hopelessness, the sun refuses to shine on my mind and my desire to achieve at making a life for myself has now all but diminished in that from whence it came. I am merely existing, a robotic being operating under the heavy weight of my own suicidal battles and my desire to be free from the breath of every day life. I have reached an all time low and this time, it threatens to destroy me completely.

My passion and desire to pursue God this year has been met by fierce opposition from the demons in my mind. I am terrified of the horrors that haunt me every waking hour and disturb me in my sleep. My attention to God has slowly but surely disappeared off, my ability to focus on anything positive, a near impossibility. How have I got here again? What has been the point of the last eight months? Why through all the pain and hate does my body continue to function?

I have once again cried out to God, desperately asking to be found, to be saved from myself. My rescue does not yet appear to have surfaced, I feel alone and disgusted with the way I have successfully managed once again to fuck it all up. The addictions of my past caught up with me, they tempted me into a false sense of security, a place where I thought I was in control. How silly of me, I am an addict, I have no control. The path of peace I began to travel along has all but disappeared from beneath my feet and I am struggling to come to terms with what the point is of me continuing to fight this battle. I am exhausted with the lack of ability on my part to keep anything remotely worthwhile or positive in my life. I am disgusted that I have been so naive as to believe I could ever really free myself of the dreaded demons that refuse to leave my mind. This girl is a mess, a destruction, a ticking time bomb waiting to internally explode her poison of hate and evil over any good thing that comes into contact with her. That girl has and always will be, me. Rebecca, the daughter of death. The character, the pretender, the great deceiver. So far removed from her own soul that she no longer wishes to continue the quest for greater life. Hope has failed me again. I am so lost, so devoid of positive emotion that I am sure that in the spirit I look like a flaming fire of disease, spitting venom at the world and its entirety.

Well what can I do now then? What can possibly be the solution to the problem of the burning hate, the relapse to addiction, the moving away from God? Who can possibly save me from the beckoning calls of deaths doors and do I even want to be saved anymore? Have I had all the chances a girl can get? I'm back at the bottom rung again, back here with the sinners and the demons, existing on a diet of destruction and disgust. It will take more than a miracle to save me this time. This time I know what it feels like to be picked up out of the pit and given a purpose and even worse, I know how it feels to go ahead and completely undo all the good work that this chance gave me. Have I even got the strength to go through it again? Would God even want me back, after all, I failed so miserably at attaining my closeness before, can he really trust me not to royally mess it up again? I guess all I can do is wait and see what will be of the broken woman that sits inside of me. I will once again raise my voice to the heavens and ask that He hears my call and somewhere deep inside I must find the faith to believe that He will hear me and He will want me back. He will give me the chance to learn again, to have the passion burning a hole inside of me that makes me thirst for him and not destruction. Can He find a way to help make the poison that is slowly killing me, escape me from inside these bitter walls. I can only pray that he will.

Love Always.x