"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." (Psalm 32:8 NIV)
I didn’t realise how much I was dependant on my career and party girl lifestyle to define who I was. But, no longer having these as part of my life has completely thrown me into a world where I no longer feel I can tell you who I am. I am merely existing, floating between day and night, lows and blows, adrift on an endless sea of nothingness. When you take away the party girl, the loud outspoken queen of the night, I am no more than a shell, a quiet bookworm who often prefers her own company to that of any others. This was not the image I worked years to attain, this was the exact one that I ran away from, the one I tried to hide. She didn’t fit in with the character I wanted to portray; confident, at ease in her own skin, loud and fun loving. I worked hard to be the craziest, the most daring, the wildest girl in the room, anything to stop me reflecting back on the real me trapped behind the fake smiles, short skirts and lip gloss. I had succeeded in my goal, everyone knew that girl, she was the one to have a party with, to drink with, to laugh with. Now I am a mere shadow of my former self. The character no longer has the opportunity to come out to play and neither did I really want her too until I realised that its just me now. Just the quiet girl, the one who loves reading, writing and documentaries. The one who doesn’t feel confident enough to stand in the middle of a room of people and knock back any drinks on offer. I have changed, I have become detached from the identity I tried to portray. Now its just me and this is unknown territory. Its a slow process weeding out the real from the tried and tested. God is truly taking me on a journey and I have no idea where it is going to stop, who I'll be at the end of it and most of all, will it make it me happy?
Not having a job anymore, well, they have agreed to give me a career break but I doubt it will be the one I return to, is also creating a huge level of discomfort. We are defined by what we do and now, I do nothing, or at least it seems that way. Most days the fear of the unknown future threatens to send me ricocheting back into the life that I created, not wanting to take the risk of failing at another avenue. I endlessly search job sites looking for roles better suited to what my new life may lead me to, but scared of the possibility of not only starting again, but this time, the real me going out there and doing it all. How will I cope, will I be liked, will people accept me? All these questions hound my every waking thought and I can see no clear answer as of yet. I am truly lost and yet there is a strange comfort in these hours, one that continues, albeit slowly, to enter my consciousness. That comfort of course, is God.
The process of change and breaking away from the life I was leading is painstakingly slow and often frustrating. I like to know what to expect, but the walk of faith does not offer this as an option. Each day, even each hour holds its own surprises and God refuses to be bothered by my incessant screams for immediate knowledge of my future, be it relationships, career, finances or the million other factors I am desperate to know. Instead, He is taking me through my life so far, gently but persistently leading me into the darker corners of my mind and unlocking memory boxes I didn’t even know were there. With the Holy spirits guidance I am reviewing my life, in almost movie like sequences, watching as the life I have tried to run from unfolds in front of me. There is no real pain as this happens, its almost as if I am emotionless as these movie's play, but they serve their purpose in reminding me why I have made the choices I have and teaching me to let go of them because they no longer have a place. It is internal cleansing at its best, He needs me to let Him in, all the way. I am learning that the best way to do this is to just go along with it, to let Him have access where no one has before because I trust that this is the only way I will ever get better. I completely trust in Him.
As the days go on and the memories subside, I am learning to rest in God like never before. There is a peace that I have never experienced that comes over me, a comfort unlike any I have ever known. The other night, whilst lay on my bed, I focused my heart and mind on Jesus and gently uttered his name with each breath out. As I lay resting I found my self being almost afloat on a sea of complete peace and calm, my thoughts, all of them, could only think of Him and I became detached from my surroundings. This was a new experience for me, one that I think days of learning to pray had allowed me to achieve. It was almost as if I had entered a different world, there was a thick atmosphere of His presence as I relaxed back and in my minds eye, the Lords face flickered before me. I uttered words of love towards Him and as I did, from my left hand, whitish blue clouds of an almost round like shape, began to float upwards into the ceiling. I was transfixed on these beautiful formations and felt the wetness of tears surround my eyes. Here in my room, just me and Him, I felt and saw what seemed to be the presence of God. It was here, that my heart realised its greatest longing and a satisfaction unlike any I had had before, filled me with the most beautiful sensations. This was not about anything other than me and God and it truly blew me away.
I am learning as time goes on to build a relationship with Him and it is now beginning to show fruition. It was not easy at first to learn to let someone else into my heart, never mind someone that I couldn't see or touch. But as the days have gone on, I have started talking to Him whenever I can. Just simple conversations, mainly me asking for understanding, patience and strength and mainly Him responding with words of love and encouragement. I am learning to hear His voice in the quiet thoughts of my mind, the ones that could never come from me, for a start they are never negative. Somewhere along the way, a relationship has been carved out and each day afresh I go to Him and pour out my heart as much as I can and wait for His response. It is such a private moment, a unity of hearts that I didn’t ever dream was possible when I started this journey. This is still so new for me, so different, in some ways, so strange. But I know that what He has saved me from, and what He's shaping me for are always the better option than had I not found Him when I did. Whatever the future may hold, I can be sure of one thing, my relationship with my creator will forever continue to grow and that’s worth the days of daunting unpredictability. After all, He chose me and I truly believe He has the best plans ready and waiting for me when I am able to cope. Thank you Lord.
Love Always.x
No comments:
Post a Comment