Breaking Addictions

 “I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.” (Psalm 121:1-2 NIV)

Today I felt the suffocation of my addiction and depression meet with an almighty bang. By justifying my addiction to cannabis I am creating a vicious circle of slow tired days that eat into my fullness and loving relationship with God. Not just that, but it keeps me from spending time learning to break free from the lies that Satan has been feeding me for as long as I can remember. Today something in my spirit snapped and I felt the connection between God and I increase in blessing. He will not leave me behind.

After spending most of the day in bed, my mum alerted me to the fact that possibly my tool for escapism (cannabis) was now keeping me from really living. It is a thought that I also had, a truth that I also tried to run from but which I have to now, yet again, face up to. Whatever I am using, be it cocaine, cannabis, binge eating or anger to get me away from me, aligns me into the enemy's ranks and chosen purposes for my life. Instead of believing in my freedom, my life has become a mission just to survive. I have forgotten about the promises God has given me or the love He showers on me when I am lost. I have been using the cannabis as an excuse to not participate fully in my life, so it should be no surprise that I feel I am not living a life that is true to me. I can't be living with sin and partnering with God. The difference between the two lifestyles is enormous and its like always living a lie.

After the conversation with my mum, instead of staying planted to the sofa watching chat shows, I went onto xpmedia.com to get some encouragement for my walk of faith. Two hours later and I feel a certain shift has taken place within my spirit. I have listened to Patricia King minister directly to my heart on walking away from addiction and the people who keep me in it. I then listened to her talk of marriage as I felt that the person who keeps me connected to the past I am trying to run from, is the very man I happen to be in love with. This is not an area I want to talk about now, its too painful and confusing to think, never mind write, that all I can do is offer it up to God and let his will be done. I then listened to clips from various speakers on trauma from childhood and how the enemy can infiltrate us at this point to feed us with lies that act as a way of making us feel worthless whenever we are faced with a similar or threatening situation. It talked about the importance of our true identity in Christ and for the first time in weeks, I cried, really cried as I felt the Lord pour his loving ointment on the many scars that I have been harbouring over the years.

I realise now more than ever that to go after my life in Christ, I have to be willing to lay down the life that I know. The life, for which the most part, has kept me from growing past my feelings of worthlessness. The first step has been made today, but the steps that follow will not be so easy. Just knowing that you are living a life that makes you miserable and actually having the strength and determination to change it are two different things. I run to what comforts me, even though it sabotages my life and those around me. For some reason I stay in the pit that destroys me, rather than focusing on the light and love that has rediscovered me and is trying to bring me back home. A seed of hope was planted today and now I will no longer just sit back and will it to grow, I will step out in faith and ensure it blooms.

Finally, the Lord directed me to a verse today as I cried out in pain to Him. He spoke to me and I have listened:

1 Peter 2:4-12 (NIV)

As you come to him, the living Stone—rejected by humans but chosen by God and precious to him—you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For in Scripture it says:
   
“See, I lay a stone in Zion,
   a chosen and precious cornerstone,
and the one who trusts in him
   will never be put to shame.”
 Now to you who believe, this stone is precious. But to those who do not believe,
   “The stone the builders rejected
   has become the cornerstone,”
 and,
   “A stone that causes people to stumble
   and a rock that makes them fall.”
   They stumble because they disobey the message—which is also what they were destined for.

 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us. "

Love Always.x