The Enemy and Me

 "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." (2 Corinthians 5:17 KJV)

My awareness to the enemy was heightened today. I did not have to wait long for the spirit of darkness to attach itself to my mind and begin to sow its seed. Its laughable really, it is the most persistent thing I have ever come across. Usually we enjoy the thrill of the chase, being chased being the ultimate in egotistical satisfaction. However, in this case, my pursuer is not such a great catch. But he does know me better than most, he knows my weaknesses, he understands and works with my triggers to self destruct and for such a long time, he has been a part of me. Today I called his bluff.

Yesterday Ian Clayton told me that one of the reasons I felt so low the day after basking in the glory at the training school, was that my demons were there in full force to try and get me back. Basically, a day within the light and glory of God's presence was too risky for the Devil to contend with, so I guess he sent out his army to hunt me down and make me pay. Leading his army was the spirit of suicide, the opt out to the terrifying images that were played out to me throughout the day. I was tortured from morning to night with thoughts and feelings of despair, disgust and death. My own of course.

Today when driving, I became absorbed in the thought patterns of my mind. Mr familiar was filling every thought with reminders of what a useless being I was and how I could never succeed at anything. It took me all of 15 minutes to snap out of it and declare out loud "Angels all around me, keep me guided, keep me strong. Please don't let the darkness in." Surprisingly enough, it worked. It really did work. If I felt that tug of fear pulling at me, I absorbed myself in the knowledge that my angels were all around me.

I know that this will not always be easy to do.  It took me 15minutes today whilst driving, before I even realised what was happening in my head. The really powerful thing about the enemy is that it sounds just like you, thinks just like you and acts just like you. But you must understand, as I do now, that this is not who you are. This is a by product of everything that is around you and of the fear you have harboured after every rejection, every loss, every crisis whether minor or major. These things are outside of you, but you become so blind to that, that eventually that evil demonic nature overtakes you. With that, we turn to painful and often addictive behaviour patterns. Somehow, without knowing it, we are living our life behind a pane of glass. We watch ourselves, shouting, eating too much, gossiping, drinking etc. and feel like we are a passenger on a ride, unable to stop the descent into hell.

I still sit behind the pane of glass on most days. Since finding God and accepting the Lord into my heart, I have been able to detach myself from the evil spirit that surrounds me, but that does not mean it has left. Whilst I am aware it is not who I am, it is within me and does not want to leave. So I do what we all do and get angry at the world and mostly myself for not being who I want to be. It is vicious, it is well practised in the dark corners of our mind and it is fooling us day after day. This great magician, has cast a spell over us so great, that there really only is one way to wake up from it. That of course, is to ask the Lord into your heart and to believe that He is there. Believe that He loves you and watch as the more you believe, the more your life becomes a blessing.

As I am a baby of the Lord, this is all new to me, for anyone reading this who has not yet found God, the above statements are probably quite difficult to take in. I know myself, if I had read this prior my major breakdown, I would have been dubious of the factual evidence of this apparent truth for all. There is no way to make you believe that something bigger than you exists and wants the best for you. That you are loved just because you are you and nothing you have ever done or ever will do will change that. You can continue to search for love in the bottom of a bottle every day for the next year, but you will only find hatred. I can promise you that. The enemy has a way of making us search for acceptance and love in the strangest of places. In places where we get as far away from who we are as possible! How can that ever create lasting happiness?

I can only talk from my experiences and know I have had many lost attempts at trying to find who I am in this world in nearly every other place except myself. The ultimate mission of the enemy seems to be to separate us from ourselves and other people. We are very well trained in doing this. My turning to God has meant that I am having to learn to see myself and who I am through new eyes. Eyes that look directly at me, not out at other objects or habits. Because God loves me, I am beginning to love me. To make it clear, my family have always loved me, but I think we all know that unfortunately that isn’t always a pass to love ourselves. It helps, but in due time, the ways of the world teach you that regardless of how much love you have from those around you, it still doesn’t make you worthy. We become detached from the meaning of real love.

God loves us all, regardless of our worldly trials and tribulations. I promise you that if you are lost, if you are fighting day in, day out, with who you are, then ask Him to help you and He will. He honours his word, he delivers us from evil and teaches us to walk amongst this earth with love and only love in our hearts. Life can be the most wonderful experience, or it can just be your long walk to death. Open your hearts, open your minds and when the enemy closes in, know that your just a breath away from salvation.

Love Always.x